


Walked through my door (But it felt nothing like home)

by dntletmegohs



Category: Harry Styles - Fandom, Louis Tomlinson - Fandom, One Direction
Genre: Abuse, Alternate Universe, Anxiety, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Gay, Gay Sex, Harry Wants To Help, M/M, Non-Famous Harry, Non-Famous Louis Tomlinson, Protective Harry, Recovery, SadLouis, Self-Harm, Sex, Sexual Assault, Students, harrystyles, its just complicated, larry - Freeform, larrystylinson, louis is sad, louis mind is complicated, louistomlinson - Freeform, mental health, mlm, quietlouis, relationship, slowburn, studentharry, studentlouis
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-14 07:40:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 30,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29539050
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dntletmegohs/pseuds/dntletmegohs
Summary: He never spoke, and that might be what made Harry interested in him in the first place.orThe Tomlinson family is new to Holmes Chapel. Harry doesn't really care, until he doesnot grammar checked yet.
Relationships: Harry Styles & Louis Tomlinson, Larry Stylinson, larry - Relationship
Comments: 6
Kudos: 23





	1. firsts

_He never spoke, and that might be what made Harry interested in him in the first place._  
  
  
  
Harry was quite the eccentric person; friends with everyone, voicing his opinion, very outstanding really. And then there was the other boy, the only thing known about him was his name, Louis. Louis and his family suddenly arrived in town during the Christmas break. Nobody knows what his family is like, they're very quiet and kept to themselves. But the story goes that where Louis and his family came from, something bad happened. Since the town is so little, the Tomlinson's have been the talk since they have arrived. Everyone in Holmes Chapel knows each other and it's not often that new people come to live in town so of course Harry heard about it. Although he's not usually the person to care about rumours and stuff like that, the new boy had immediately caught his attention.  
  
The Christmas break was about to end, and all people talked about was if so-called Louis was going to attend the local college. It was no denying that it was wandering Harrys' mind as well. The new family is living in one of the poorer streets in town, it had not been a secret. The day they arrived people were staring, not discretely though. That's also how people ended up finding out his name, his name was bigly written on the boxes of stuff when they were moving in. Louis was not alone, apparently, he had quite a big family. People had been talking about a few girls, most certainly his sisters. Everywhere you went you could hear people talking about the new family. Holmes Chapel was quite the 'posh' town, so most opinions were flavoured with a little bit of judgement. The only moment that they were not spoken of, was when they were around. The only one that has been leaving the house often was the mother of the bunch of kids, usually going to the grocery store. She seemed like a nice lady, but no one had taken the courage to go up to her for a conversation. The Tomlinson's were not welcomed with open arms.  
  
On New Years Eve, the lights in Louis' home were on, you could see the silhouette of the Christmas tree through the window. Occasionally you'd see the shadow of a person walking by. When in Holmes Chapel it was very common to attend the local firework show on NYE, no one had spotted the new family. So, as they were not there, they were talked about, again, the conversation of the evening. Harry thought it that after a week, all the talks and rumours would've died down, which they didn't. Harrys family was very close, one of the few not getting too involved in the talks in town.  
  
College starts again and Harry is excited, he's not exactly the type to like school, his grades are decent. The reason he likes school is because he gets to see all his friends there. His two best friends, Niall and Liam are part of the richer streets in town, just like Harry himself. They had the option to go to college anywhere else in the country, but they had decided to stay in the comfortable town and attend the school together. The school is small, but well maintained. Most of the students going to the school are spoilt rich kids. Even though Harry and his friends are wealthy as well, they don't judge someone based on their income. It's quite predictable to Harry that Louis won't have an easy time in school. Since the moment that Harry first saw Louis, he had been in awe. Louis looked vulnerable and small, scared almost. He felt like it was his obligation to keep Louis away from the negativity around school. So that was his intention from there.  
  
He talked to Niall and Liam about it, their parents were part of ''talkers'' in town. They didn't quite understand why Harry had taken such interest in the boy. Eventually they did decide to help him out too. They tried finding out where Louis was from and why he came to Holmes Chapel in the first place. But they had no luck, there was no trace of Louis on the internet.  
  
On the fourth of January, school was starting again. About 350 students attended the school. Four busses drive around town to make sure everyone arrives safely. Its school policy that every student takes the school bus, so every morning at seven, the bus starts driving, to drop everyone of at school at eight sharply. The busses drive the same route every day, starting of in the poorer neighbourhoods. Which means that Louis is one of the first people to wake up that Monday to get ready for school. His morning consisted of waking up as late as possible, he really dreaded waking up. He knew that by the time he'd wake up, his mother would be gone already, to attend her shift at the hospital in a town nearby. His sisters were luckily old enough to take care of themselves.  
  
The bus stop that Louis had to go to was right on the corner of his street. The big yellow box would arrive at 07:10 exactly. So as soon as breakfast consumed and shoes were put on, he was ready to get on with the day. There were quite some people waiting at the bus stop too. He understood him and his family are much talked about at the moment. Thinking about that, he decided to wait a few meters away, so he would not take all the attention. Louis doesn't like being in the centre of attention. He has his reasons; he just does not want to talk about them. Talking in general wasn't really a liking of Louis.  
  
The bus arrived and all students were happily getting in, Louis not being sure if anyone had noticed him. He got on the bus, last of all, he tried to keep his head down, but the driver was the first to look at him intensely, making Louis very uncomfortable. You can imagine the situation didn't get better when he walked through the hallways of the bus. All talking stopped and was replaced with whispers. Louis did the only think he was comfortable doing, shutting himself out from other people. He was aware when you are new somewhere, it's a good thing to make friends or even socialize. Yet he knew, that even if tried, it wouldn't work out. So, the best option was just to fully ignore everyone. The double seat at the end of the bus looked the best for Louis, so that's where he sat. On the window-side to be exact.  
  
Nature was something Louis had greatly enjoyed since he was a kid. To him it was fascinating that humans weren't the only thing living, everything around him had a life in some way. It could be the tree next to the pond. But it could also be a house, made of bricks, for him something living did not exactly have to breathe. A house, a pile of bricks, it stands there, people live in it, it provides for it, therefore it has a life on its own. There was one thing that Louis resented about being human, feelings. Sometimes he wished he were a plant, not physically, mentally though. A plant had no feelings, it doesn't hurt them when someone picks one of their leaves of. That's why it fascinated him, he could look to the outside world for hours and he would never get tired of it.  
  
He was so deep in his thoughts that he didn't even noticed that the bus arrived at its next stop, once again, opening the door to a bunch of other students his age. He was quick to notice that word had spread of him being on the bus. It was not long before his palms started getting clammy and one of his legs started bumping up and down. He was aware this moment would take place at some point, but he didn't think it would get him so nervous. Not knowing if he was being sceptic or not, he had the feeling that every person there had their eyes on him. The only solution for him was to keep staring out of the window. Deep in his mind, he was blocking out the mutters of people insulting him. What he didn't hear, didn't exist.  
  
At some point Louis had wondered how many bus stops they were going to pass because the bus was almost full. It caught his attention that the further they got, the amount of people entering would decrease. His fingers were constantly crossed that no one would occupy the empty seat next to him. But luck is never in his favour, so it didn't take too long for someone to take the spot. Praying with everything in him Louis hoped that he wouldn't be confronted with that person. But right when the person took the seat next to him, it was paired with words. Nasty, mean words. Block them out, that is what Louis decided to do, along with keeping his eyes pointed outside. But the unknown person did not settle for that. He soon felt a pinching sting against his arm and some words along the lines of: ''You need to look at me when you're spoken to. Didn't you mummy taught you that?'' All Louis did in response to that was shutting his eyes and trying to block all other noises.  
  
Not even a second later he felt the weight next to him leaving, causing him to slowly open his eyes again, turning his head slowly to see what was going on. It did indeed confirm that the person that had been beside him just seconds ago, was now not around anymore. But now there was another presence sitting itself down next to him. It wasn't on purpose when his eyes shut tight again. Mentally preparing himself for another person scolding at him was something he was used to, so when it became clear that the person next to him wasn't intending to hurt him, he was surprised. His body was still very tense and kept trying to shift to the window as much as possible to make sure he didn't touch the boy next to him.  
  
The entire ride is quiet; Louis and Harry say nothing to each other and in some way, it made Louis feel at ease. Although he thinks the boy probably sat next to him because there were not a lot of other places left, he was still thankful. Louis isn't a person to show is gratitude, he learned from the past. IF you show emotions, you will get hurt. People will leave. He was convinced of that.

  
Harry had left the bus quickly after Louis, to make sure that he was okay, but quickly found out he couldn't find him anywhere. The hallways of the school started emptying themselves already but there was no stressed or confused boy to be found. Harry had a relaxed schedule for this semester, most classes were also with his favourite teachers. So as the boy he had sat with earlier, was nowhere in sight, Harry decided to make his way to class. The school was quite big for the small town it was in, most people do underestimate it. His first period was history and he had to make his way to the other side of the building in ten minutes. The staircases in this building sometimes seamed endless to him.  
  


Louis had been staring at the schedule in his hands and the signs on the wall, but still couldn't find his way. When he heard footsteps, he quickly turned around to see who it was. His eyes met with the boy that had sat next to him earlier in the bus. He wasn't able to get a good look at the boy back in the bus, only now realizing how green his eyes were. Not to mention that the boy's hair was also long and curly. Louis could not deny that there was something greatly mesmerising about the boy. When Louis suddenly realized that he had been staring just a tad too long, his eyes quickly pointed to the ground again, not wanting to grab his attention.  
  
Harry wasn't fooled and saw that Louis was in an internal battle with himself, all the signs were there. Louis chest was rising quickly, and his breaths were deep, there was a small sign of panic in his eyes before he looked at the ground, and finally; he had trembling hands while holding is schedule. Harry had looked at the boy, trying to find the best way to approach him. He took a few steps closer to Louis, slowly taking the schedule out of his trembling hands. He noticed how Louis didn't move his hands and kept them in the same position as if he was still holding the piece of paper. His eyes were still on the ground. Harry felt bad for him, the only thoughts were about what happened to this boy to end up like this.

  
Now studying the schedule and comparing it to his, Harry concluded that they had the same schedule. It wasn't usual for Harry to be nervous, but he didn't know how to approach the boy. He still wanted to be confident but not cocky. Taking a deep breath, he confidently said: ''We have the same schedule, we're almost late, follow me''. Harry wanted to sign the way with his hand but reminded himself that Louis eyes were fixated to the floor. He reached out his hand to place it on Louis back, in order to direct him. As soon as he did that though, Louis body jumped and tensed. This made the hand that was on his back shoot away quickly.

Louis could not believe how often the boy had apologized for touching his back. He had not given any response back to the apologies. Louis felt pathetic, the boy was being nothing but kind to him, yet he had to make himself seem like an unstable psychopath. As Louis guesses though, they were late to class. The curly boy knocked on the door and had slowly opened it. The opened door revealed a big room, filled with an estimated amount of 50 people. He felt incredibly uncomfortable when the boy that Louis still didn't know the name of; explained why they were late. Luckily the teacher was generous and spared them.  
  


There were just two spare seats left in the room. Louis had hoped that he could've stayed hidden in the back of classrooms. He already failed miserably at that. Him and the curly boy make their way over tothe last two seats, obviously next to each other. The chairs were quite close to one another, the first thing Louis did before he sat down was move the seat away from the other boy, avoiding human contact. Out of the corner of his eye, he was able to see that the curly boy was looking at him with questioning look. He tried paying as much attention the class as possible, which he did a successful job at. At the end of it, he was satisfied with his notes. The bell rang and Louis immediately got of his chair. Suddenly he felt someone grabbing his arm,he turned around and saw the boy that helped him earlier. Once again, Louis flinched and tensed, which made the boy realize that he was touching him, sohet let go straight away. Before Louis had the chance to walk away, he heard a voice saying: ''I'm sorry, I'm Harry''.


	2. who

It had been eating him, slowly nibbling his insides. It didn't make sense to Louis why the boy, apparently named Harry, even approached him. The way Harry had apologized when he touched him, was startling to Louis. Why did he apologize to him? And why did he introduce himself like that? Louis knew that it was wrong to even think about the boy, he knew that it would end up like it did before. Most especially, he knew that he was stupid. The entire day after Harry had introduced himself, he had kept his distance. Harry did take notice of it because he didn't try to approach him anymore. Occasionally Harry did exchange some weird glances to Louis. But as soon as the school bell rang, Louis made sure to get out of the classroom as soon as possible and run home. There was no bothering in taking the bus because he knew 'he' would be on there as well. As soon as Louis came home, he decided to isolate in his room. He knew that it wasn't usual for a nineteen-year-old boy to be the way that he did, he certainly was ashamed of it. But at this point, he'd do anything to protect himself. Once in a while there was a little sparkle of hope in him that things would go back to how they once were.

During the day Harry had hoped to find out more about the boy, which soon ended up not being the case. He hadn't focused during any classes because he had so many questions about Louis. The biggest question wandering in his head is why he would flinch so much, and why he didn't like to be touched. Harry planned to sit next to him on the bus again, he knew no one else would. That way he maybe could find out more. But when the bell rang, Louis had run out of the classroom in the blink of an eye. Even when Harry got outside and looked around, there was no sign of the boy. So, he had sat on the bus, on the same spot he had sat this morning, keeping the seat by the window open, but alone. When he got home his mother was already waiting for him, every they'd review the day. It was normal for Harry to tell her anything. But today, he told her everything, except about Louis.

The next few days Harry sat next to Louis on the bus, without saying a word. Louis thought it was weird but obviously didn't say anything of it. Harrys intentions were good, he wanted to make Louis feel comfortable, but Louis wasn't sure out to feel. He actually didn't even want to feel. During the days though, the two boys were separated. Harry would be accompanied by his two friends. Louis would sit at the complete back during every lecture, leave as soon as possible, and try to avoid the school bus. He wanted to avoid the curly boy as much as possible, some days that would be a success. He would run out of the classroom quickly and run home. On other days though, Harry seemed to rush out of the classroom as quick as Louis did, which forced him to take the bus.

Since school started, Louis fell into a consisted routine. Waking up, getting ready, going to school, avoiding Harry, come home. In his old town, he'd hang out with friends after school, until well-. Now though, as soon as he comes homes, he rushes up the stairs and locks himself into his room. He only comes out for dinner. His mother tried to get him out of there, but he refused to talk. His biggest fear was ending up like he did back then. It was best for him to cut out all human contact and stay to himself.

And Louis did it pretty successfully, up until one day. His mother was working a late shift and there was almost no food in the house anymore. He had to keep his little sisters fed though. At about eight that evening he ran to shops, his dark hoodie covering his face, hands in his pockets. The plan was to quickly get some groceries with the little money they had. Theoretically he wasn't in a rush, he just wanted to go home. He didn't even grab a basket to put his stuff in. The cashier couldn't even say goodbye, the groceries were already in his arms and he was already out of the shop. If he knew what would happen just seconds after exiting the store, he would've gone slower. His small body bumped into a larger one, not only in length but also in width. All the groceries went falling to the floor, where a pack of milk also broke open. Louis crouched down immediately to grab the fallen items, while apologizing to the stranger that probably now had milk on his shoes.

He instantly regretted standing up again when he looked up to see who he bumped into. The apologizing also stopped with that. He just stared in pure horror to the person standing in front of him. While Louis eyes were wide open and shocked, Harry's eyes though, they were full of worry. Louis was about to walk away quickly when Harry called him: ''Hey, hey! I'm sorry that happened, I should've looked out more. Let me buy you a new pack of milk. Please?''. At first instance Louis wanted to shake his head, saying no, but as he thought about it, he figured that Harry would talk even more if he declined. Nervously he nodded. Harry, who was holding a few bags in his hand, opened one of them for Louis, insinuating for Louis to put his groceries in, which he complied to.

Every bone in Louis body hoped that Harry wouldn't say anything while they were getting the stupid pack of milk. Harry though, was quick to talk: ''Listen, I'm sorry, not only for your milk but also for the way I have been acting in school. I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable in any way''. When those words left his mouth, Louis was startled. He had no idea how to react to that, one thing he knew for sure is that he wasn't going to verbally respond. ''I'm also sorry that I touched you, I shouldn't have''. With that it was confirmed for Louis that he was a complete weirdo. He nodded slowly, accepting the apology. They were almost through check out, with a pack of milk in an awkward setting. ''Also, I hope you know that I'm not quitting sitting on the bus next to you. You fascinate- no, you're just interesting and I like interesting things''. Louis thought that the way Harry just said that, was quite intimidating. Bad memories came flooding up and he felt his lungs well up.

He knew what was about to come, panic attacks were not unfamiliar to him anymore. Since everything went down back in his old town, he lost count of how many he had. It was always something small that triggered it and Louis hated it. Mostly because he didn't know how to get them to stop. Medication hadn't helped either, in fact, it felt like it only made things worked. The best thing to do now was just to avoid situations that could trigger one. Unfortunately, he couldn't escape this one.

Harry was shocked when he noticed that Louis breath was getting heavier. He recognized the signs immediately, as he had seen them before. The eyes of the smaller boy look around the place, looking for a place to hide. At this point Harry had no clue what to do, he knew that touch would even make things worse. ''Calm down, you're okay Louis, breathe for me...'', he tried. Louis eyes were avoiding Harry's not wanting to embarrass himself. ''It's okay, but you need to calm down for me, Louis, please''. It was strange, it was like Louis soul took in the words Harry had said. While still looking to the ground, he slowly started noticing that his breathing was returning to a normal pace again. Harry let out a small smile, knowing that his words had comforted the boy. Harry internally praised himself for handling the situation the right way. Right when he looked up, that Louis had started walking, very quickly. He wanted to yell his name, but he didn't want to draw attention to the situation.

All Louis had wanted to do when he came home, was lock himself in his room and cry. But he had little sister to care for. While cooking, he did what he did best, hiding his feelings. He cooked a good meal for what they had available and made sure all tummies were filled. Money had always been a hard thing in the Tomlinson household, despite that, they never complained about it. Louis sometimes had jealousy episodes when he grew up. He was never able to join on school trips, he despised it. At some point, when he was about 10, was convinced that he'd grow up to be a rich and confident man. His nineteen-year-old self, proved him wrong once again. He knew that things could've been different if he wasn't who he was.

Right after dinner Louis rushed to his room and closed his door. Only then all his tears decided to spill. His pillow soaked up every tear one by one, soaking Louis sadness with it. All he could think about was the way his lungs welt up earlier that day. How he, once again, exposed his vulnerable side to the one person he tried to avoid so much. He hated how Harry probably had to pretend to care. He promised himself when they moved to Holmes Chapel that he wouldn't expose himself in that way. Couldn't even last a day. Now, he had to spend all year being fake pitied by a younger boy.

When Louis woke up the next morning, in a pillow drenched with tears, along with a headache, he still decided to go to school, he wouldn't fuck that up as well. Even though he was looking up to having to face Harry again, he wouldn't let that restrict him. His mother and sisters were still deep asleep when he left the house. People were now aware at what bus stop Louis would get on, every morning on his walk there, he'd see people already looking in his direction, as if they were waiting for him. It was hard not to pay attention to it, he always tried to keep his distance. Everyone knew that he had his ''permanent'' place on the bus, so it was always free when he'd get on last. It would only be two stops until Harry would get on the bus and all Louis wanted was to get off the bus. That way he wouldn't have to face him.

Louis was so fixated on the outside world that he did not even notice when the bus stopped for the second time, indicating that it was time for Harry to get on. When a sudden weight sat down next to him, it made him jump. At first, he was tempted to glance, to see if it was really Harry. On second thoughts, he made the decision not to, because it would force him to have any sort of interaction with the boy.

After all this time, well just a few days, Harry had hoped that Louis would give him a little more attention. It surprised him when he was completely ignored when he got on the bus. Louis looked out of the window the entire time; Harrys plan was to talk about what happened the day before. Even though he knew that ''talking'' wasn't really Louis his thing, he wanted to give it a try. The second he noticed that there was no point in talking, he gave up. Something inside of him was telling him not to, but it was not motivating at all. He wanted to understand what was going on in the boys' mind, but it didn't seem he was opening up anytime soon. Harry knew that he had to be the one to open up first, but that meant putting himself in a vulnerable position. While he didn't mind being vulnerable, he did mind keeping his reputation. There is no big change of people going against him, he doesn't know why, but he has quite the say around school. Why was he doubting about this so much?


	3. notes

It had been almost a month since Louis started school in Holmes Chapel. He was able to keep pretty good distance from Harry. Harry did still sit on the bus with him every day, sometimes he'd say a few words. Something along the lines of ''I hope your weekend was nice.'' Or ''You look nice today''. Louis never paid much attention to it, he still had not clue as to why Harry was still talking to him. Harry though, was getting more and more clueless. He knew nothing about Louis, or his family. The talking about them around town, hadn't stopped either.

It was almost the day of Harry's birthday; he was almost turning eighteen. It was something he had been looking forward to for a really long time. It felt like he'd finally be an adult. He doubted about throwing a big party, like you always see them in the American movies. After a bit of consideration, he decided to have a small get together with his close friends, Liam, and Niall. Niall had teasingly said that he should invite Louis. He was aware that Niall was joking but since those words left his mouth, Harry was actually considering it. He wondered what it'd be like with having Louis at a party, it would only ''force'' him to open up a little bit.

It was stupid. It was a bloody stupid idea. Harry instantly felt dumb when he asked Louis to attend his birthday party that weekend. Somewhere in his brain he was aware that Louis wouldn't even answer. He had told Louis that it was his birthday on February first and that he had planned a small get together with friends. He would turn eighteen. Louis eyes had quickly connected with him, the look in his eyes was not explainable. Harry thought he would finally get Louis to speak at that time. He thought... The only thing that Louis did was frown and turn back his head. So, Harry scribbled down his address on a small note and pushed it in Louis' hands. It made Louis flinch, but Harry hadn't even noticed because he was too busy thinking about how he felt himself.

Louis had thought it was weird. He thought it was incredibly strange for Harry to invite him to a get together with ''friends''. To Louis concern, they weren't even friends. He was almost sure of it that Harry only invited him to end up making a fool of him. Although Harry's eyes when he asked were almost pleading. There was no way he was falling into a trap like that again. There were points where everything in him wanted to believe that Harry was a good person. But in moments like that, the little devil and angel would appear on his shoulder. One of them saying that it would be okay to trust the curly headed boy. The other one would tell him that that the mean people would always disguise themselves as nice people. Louis was shocked when Harry had pushed a note into his small hands, he flinched, as he always did. He didn't even have a chance to look at the note before Harry had already walked away. So as much as something in him told him to attend the get together and shake his feelings away, he had shrugged the feelings away.

Harry didn't sit with next to him on the way back home. He sat at the complete other side of the bus. Louis was always one of the firsts to enter the bus, so when Harry entered and caught his eyes, he looked hurt. The memories that Louis had of his eighteen birthday were good, the way he celebrated was almost the same as Harry would do. All his friends were invited to his house, he had prepared food and drinks, the music was good, and it was a good time. The only thing he didn't know was that things would get downhill from there really quickly.

It was more than a year ago that he opened up. People say that opening up is one of the most freeing experiences a person can have. For Louis it did everything except that. That was why his family and him moved here after all. He didn't know if he could ever attend an eighteenth birthday party, any birthday really. Obviously, his sisters had gotten older and had invited their friends over, he loves his sisters with his whole heart, but on birthdays, he locked himself in his room.

When Harry got home, he was still upset. It wasn't like he was particularly angry with Louis. He was angrier with himself. His mother immediately took notice of his state, he tried to quickly shrug it off, but Anne Styles was no stupid person. She had interrogated him, and Harry told her everything. About him being interested in Louis from the first day he arrived. From the first time he went to school. From the first time he sat next to him on the bus. From the first time that he had seen Louis panic. He told Anne how he felt stupid for worrying and how he tried to figure out what happened to Louis. Anne had thought before answering her son. Harry had always had an interest in people but never such an intense one. Here words were chosen carefully, they sounded something along the lines of; ''Not everyone is to be figured out my love, you cannot be friends with everyone you meet. I know that you want to, and I admire you for trying, but you have to be careful Harry. I don't want you to hurt yourself along the way''.

Harry had appreciated her words. His mother always knew to say the right thing. His mother had a difficult childhood and was quite reluctant about kids first. She never considered Harry an accident, but he wasn't necessarily planned. Growing up, Harry was well aware that more kids weren't planned, but those kids would mostly end up in abusive households. The Styles family welcomed everyone; Anne had always praised the ground her kids walked on. Harry thinks that might be the reason he wants to understand the Louis kid so bad. What happened to him? Is he able to make his life a little better?

The coming few days Louis was pitying Harry. There was no one sitting next to him on the bus. Harry was completely ignoring Louis, sitting on the other side of the bus. At first Louis was relieved, not having the pressure of someone trying to make a conversation with him. But after two days things started missing. He would still enjoy looking outside and observing the same surroundings every day. Yet, the voice that he had gotten used to talking to him was missing, and it was bothering him more and more. He thought about approaching Harry, but he knew that it was physically impossible for him to even say word to the other boy. Louis would often think about what'd he'd say to Harry. ''Hey, why do you care?'' or ''Hi, I'm bad at communicating but I hope you'll still want to surround yourself with me''. Sadly, these thoughts would only stay in his head. Sometimes people close to Louis, although there are not many of them, would wonder how his head wouldn't explode. He seemed to be thinking all day, but there would never be a time that he would actually speak about his thoughts, or anything really.

But while everyone was wondering what Louis was thinking, Louis was hoping he could stop the thoughts. When they moved to Holmes Chapel, he had hoped that his mind would finally calm down. It did, for a while, just until the curly haired boy decided to give him unwanted attention. Louis had absolutely no need to have any form of attention. Since the incident, Louis had hated the attention, and when Harry first gave it to him, he hated Harry for it too. But slowly it was something in his routine, something he was growing accustomed to. It made him feel bad for Harry though. Every day he would just think about why someone would want to pay attention to a pathetic non-speaking kid. But that question was far from answered.

Days passed before Louis finally had just some clue of what to do. It was Saturday morning and the past week he had hated Harry ignoring him, yet he didn't want any attention drawn to himself. It was probably at bad idea, but Louis had a gut feeling of not wanting to disappoint Harry. He wasn't sure if that gut feeling was something he had to be scared to of or if it was something he had to trust. Last time Louis had 'trusted' anything was a long time ago. It took him hours of thinking, during all that, he kept the small paper with the address written on it, in his palms.

His hands were broken is sweat and you could quite frankly say that his entire body was shaking. Once again, the devil and angel had appeared on his shoulder, making him doubt every decision he was ever bound to make. Louis had not found a way to deal with his fright and anxiety yet, he had looked for them. There was numerous things Louis had tried to not deal with his head going one hundred miles an hour. About 5 months ago he had looked on every possible website to see how cope. Louis ended up on very dark sides of the internet.

It wasn't something he was familiar with, self-harm. He found it fascinating though, how the human body and mind could push itself so far to inflict pain on yourself. Louis had read about people feeling lost, and he had related to a lot of them. After hours it felt like he was sucked into a wormhole, he related to these people so much that he felt that hurting himself was what he had to do. There was a lot of doubt, but once Louis had almost done it, his mum had called for dinner. There had been this particular feeling in his guts, telling him it was the wrong thing to do. From that day on, he thanked his mother for calling to have dinner. He had done a lot of research after, causing him to come to the ''therapy'' side of the internet. It was informative, even though he had never self-harmed ever before, he with no doubt opened a tab with ways to cope without hurting yourself. Yet none of them had worked for him.

His body still hadn't stopped shaking when arrived on the curly boy's doorstep. The effort of looking nice had been ruined by him constantly putting his nervous hand through his hair. His tightly ironed pants were no longer smooth because he couldn't stop changing the position he sat in on the bus. People that were on the bus with Louis must've thought he was mad, and Louis wouldn't blame them. Now that he stood on the doorstep of an obviously more expensive house than his, he certainly convinced himself that he was mad. The long curtain at the window let him see through a small slit. he could not deny that it looked very cosy. Harry hadn't lied when he had said it was a small gathering with friends. There were only two other boys besides Harry, Louis recognized them from school.

Louis didn't even realize he'd been at the door for ten minutes when the sound of a car driving past broke the quiet silence in the street. He was shaken from his thoughts and stared at the present he was carrying in his hands. Louis was still surprised that he had mixed himself in a social place to buy a present for Harry. It was an understatement to say that he had bought something quickly.

Louis had absolutely no idea what Harry liked and wanted, nor was his budget very big. So, he ended up with something he also had in his room, it was a simple, electrical box that showed a pop-up message every morning. Not just any message, a positive message to start the day. His mother had bought him one a few months ago. At first, he thought it was a stupid thing. But after a while he started to value the positive message that now started his day every morning. Louis had taken a small note with the present, on which he had written four words; thank you for caring. It was something he wanted to say to Harry himself but couldn't put his mouth to it. He saw the note as a symbol of the first positive message.

Once he bought the gift it, he regretted it, all that went on in Louis's mind was why someone like Harry would like something like that. Still, there was something in him that convinced him not to return the present to the store. The feather-haired boy didn't expect his brain to convince him to keep it. Nor did he expect the door to suddenly open and Harry standing in the doorway, but it did. It was a fit of panic and fear that swept Louis. No idea how it happened, but Harry and Louis looked at each other for a good thirty seconds.

For Harry it was kind of a relief. He was aware it wasn't fair that he had been ignoring Louis all week. So, when he saw the older, yet more shy boy standing in his doorway, he could jump of joy. Despite wanting to take Louis in his arms for some reason, Harry held back the need to do so. It was something he'd been visualizing all week, Louis standing at his door, attending his birthday anyway. Never had he believed it would truly happen like this. Harry thought Louis would never look at him again after what Harry had done.

While Louis had complete fear running through his body, it was the opposite for Harry. They both should have known it couldn't have gone as well as they both hoped, because before Harry could open his mouth to speak to Louis, Louis's fear had become overpowering. The feeling that another panic attack would come became too big for Louis. He did what he always had done; flee. Getting himself out of the situation. At that point he could have kissed himself for putting the note with the present. That's how Harry would know Louis was doing his best, but at this time, "doing his best" wasn't enough for the older boy.

Harry was shocked when a wrapped box was pushed into his hands, along with a note on top. It seems like he always goes into slow motion mode when Louis decides to push himself out of a situation. There was never a moment when he was fast enough to keep up with Louis. Before Harry could even understand what had happened, Louis had disappeared again into the dusk, which was too dark to see anything. It must have been a few minutes before Harry decided to re-enter. It was therefore no surprise that all his friends, that is, his two friends, immediately asked him all possible questions with their looks.

All he could do was sigh and put the light, wrapped box with the upside-down note on the table. As bad as the temptation was, Harry resolved to open the present along with all the other presents. He had told Niall and Liam about inviting Louis, he'd also told them that he'd been rejected in the most silent way. Niall had become angry; he thought the way Louis behaved towards Harry was absolutely unacceptable. Liam then calmed him down, explaining that he and Harry thought there must be a good reason behind it.

And Liam and Harry were right, there was a reason why Louis acted like that. A reason he had never told anyone. A reason that, in his opinion, was shameful to publicize. It was safe to say that in ages Louis hadn't felt as bad as how he felt on the bus back home. There was even a chance that a few tears had come from his eyes. All he could feel now was the feeling that Harry was never going to take him seriously again.

At Harry's house, Liam, Niall, and Harry were already drinking, although Liam and Niall had already forgotten about the incident with Louis, that was all Harry could think about. He wondered what might be in that package, and what might be on that note? The note was clearly too small to have much text. Harry was so anxious to find out what ultimately motivated Louis to come. He also wanted to know why Louis bring a present, it is of course logical that you bring a present to a birthday. But for him it was clearly already something big to come to the birthday, let alone with a present.

For Louis, gifts were indeed something he always looked up to. Not only if you are the one who receives the gift, but also if you give it. In both cases, all eyes are on you. When you get the gift, everyone looks at you to see what you think. When you give it as a present, everyone looks at you to see what you have chosen and whether it suits the birthday person.

By the time Louis came home, it was time for Harry to unwrap presents. You could say that all Harry wanted is to unpack the package. However, it was no surprise when Niall said his package should be unpacked first. The fake blond boy had brought a very large box, twenty times the size of Louis's. In any case, the attraction to the box twenty times smaller was greater. Harry carefully began to remove the wrapping paper from the large box, below he found a large cardboard box. "You have to open the cardboard box," Niall had said. So that's what Harry did. Underneath, he found something he could not have dreamed of.

Niall and Harry had always talked about guitars, Niall was a damn good guitarist, Harry had always admired him for that. Although Harry came from a prosperous family, an expensive guitar was not something his family said should be invested in. There wasn't a time when he was with Niall that Niall didn't try to teach him some chords. Harry couldn't deny that he was getting the hang of it quite a bit, he just hated it so much that he could never practice without Niall and his guitar around.

He had looked at guitars with Niall because Niall said he needed a new one. During the search, they came across an incredibly beautiful guitar, Harry was immediately sold, figuratively. Niall liked it too and eventually decided to buy it. Harry had hidden his jealousy, only dreaming that the instrument would be his.

So, you can guess that when Harry opened the present, he didn't know what to say. It was all he had ever dreamed of, the guitar Niall had bought had been hiding in the big cardboard box the whole time. He had stuttered a few times and looked back at Niall from the box. It seemed that Niall couldn't hold it back. '' You don't think I'll buy an extra guitar like that, do you? I have more than enough, '' Niall had said. That was when everything became clear.

It was hard for Louis's little box to be able to outdo Niall's guitar. Even Harry had doubts. It wasn't even clear why Harry was convinced Louis would be a good present. Liam always gave simple gifts, but always nice, he arranged for the three of them to go away for a weekend. Liam never really knew how to buy an item for someone, so he always preferred to give something to keep a memory of.

The moment Harry finally got the chance to open Louis's little present, Louis was at home, in his bed, busy wetting his pillow with tears. Louis thought the present would have been opened by the time he got home, but even if it were, Harry wouldn't contact him again, that's what he thought.

Harry wasn't sure whether he was going to read the note or open the present first, it's something he had to think about for a good minute. This was until Liam just shoved the box into his hands. At this point, Harry didn't even know if he or his friends were more curious about the contents of the package. Opening was slow, Harry felt the blood pumping through his heart. He carefully removed the wrapping paper, and his eyes were greeted by a small cardboard box. It felt like an eternity before he had opened the box, which contained another box, but this box, however, was the present.

At first, he didn't really understand what it was, it was a small box, with some sort of screen on the top. The square present was made of wood, oak to be precise, on the back there was a small on / off button. Harry pressed the button gently. The screen popped on immediately, he was greeted, as if it were an iPhone. At this point, no one had any idea what it was. The electrical device asked Harry to set his time zone and birthday and indicate what time he wakes up. Once that was done, the first message came; ''This is your first message, every morning you will be awakened with a positive and motivating message, to start your day well. It's your birthday today, congratulations! Good day. ''

No one in the room had spoken and everyone read the message that had only become visible on the screen seconds ago. "He likes you," Niall had said. Liam supported the statement and grinned. Harry wanted to say so much, but the present had left him speechless. Louis's gift was a small gesture, yet so great. It may not have been the guitar Niall had given him, but Louis's present was something he would benefit from for a long time. Harry was well aware that he wasn't a morning person, even worse, for the first hour after he woke up, you didn't even have to try to talk to him. The rest of the day was never a problem, but that first hour he always had to recover and accept that it was another long day. That's why he really appreciated this, it wasn't anyone talking to him, and yet every day would be a good and motivating start.

"Don't forget the note," said Liam. Harry had almost forgotten the note indeed. The small letter was still upside down on the dining table. Harry couldn't even have guessed what was actually on it. That resulted in his nervousness when Harry finally walked over to the table to turn the piece of paper over. He himself had no idea why he was actually so nervous. Harry's fingers point at the paper, he couldn't deny that his fingers were shaking. What if Louis had written something mean on it? That would be contradictory to the gift, though. Slowly he takes the paper over and turns it over. "Thank you for caring", four simple words that filled the paper, met Harry's eyes. And for the second time that day he had been speechless. Four words, but such a big meaning. In Harry's opinion, he hadn't even done much for Louis other than sitting next to him on the bus, helping him at the grocery store, just things everyone would do. He couldn't understand how that could be such a grand gesture for Louis.

Harry was happy with the present and the handwritten message. Unfortunately, that joy did not last long, because before Harry knew it, he thought back to the past week. The week in which he had completely ignored Louis. Purely because Louis hadn't responded to Harry's birthday invitation. He could beat himself up, he should have known better. All he could do was stare at the note in his palm. Apparently, Niall and Liam got the hint too, they didn't ask about the words. They had quietly settled back on the couch, while Harry was still staring at the note. Before the three boys could resume their party, Harry whispered to the four written words; "You're welcome, always."


	4. anxiety

Louis was almost certain that he had never dreaded going back to school so much. After Saturday he had heard nothing from Harry, meanwhile it was Sunday afternoon and Louis was almost drowning in his mind. Of course, Harry couldn't have let Louis know what he thought of the present, because he didn't have Louis's number. Louis was well aware of that, yet he had convinced himself that Harry now firmly hates him.

Sometimes he hoped he could go back to his childhood when everything was still simple. That he went to the local snack bar with his friends after school. He was always quite popular at school and had the same friends since kindergarten, he was satisfied. His family was appreciated where they lived, they had good contact with people on their street, but if it were the choice of the social Louis, he would have known everyone in London. He liked human contact, there were no problems. He envisioned a bright and fantastic future; his dream was to perhaps one day start his own company. Louis knew it could be, his grades were good and social was no problem for him and he loved to learn.  
  
Now that Louis looks back on it, he laughs at himself. He should have known it was way too rosy. All of his friends were pretty much the same as him. Wealthy families, enough money, more than enough, good grades and popular. Being different was not an option, he thought that being different might be accepted in London, but he should have known better. Louis's expectations were too high. Sometimes he'd hoped he'd never met the person who messed up everything, then he wouldn't have been in this position today.  
  
If Louis had never been so naive, he wouldn't have been in this situation with Harry now. Then his perfect life in London was probably still going on. Louis was fascinated by Harry, but also scared. Harry was popular, and to say he was intimidating was an understatement. Louis had known for a long time what the popular types were, they were also the ones who had ruined his life in London. Sometimes he even surprises himself that he was once one of those popular guys, even though he had never bullied anyone, worse, ruined someone's life. So, the fear Louis experienced in Harry was questionable. Harry was not guaranteed to be a good person.  
  
Louis still blamed himself for showing up at Harry's birthday. He blamed himself for putting himself in a difficult and unpredictable situation. When Louis thinks back to yesterday evening, all he can see is Harry's grin. It wasn't a mean grin, it was actually a sweet grin, but looks can be deceiving, and no one knew that better than Louis. Harry had seemed genuinely pleased to see the older boy at his door.  
  
Louis had been in his room since last night, he hadn't come out, not even to eat. When so many questions and thoughts came to his mind, it seemed as if there were thousands of screaming people in his head. Sometimes Louis found it helpful to put a hand on either side of his head and press, press hard. Louis knew it was an option to just take a pill. When he first got his anti-anxiety pills, his mother called them chill pills. He knows she only did that to reassure him more, but it made him want to take those pills even less. _He_ wanted to be in control, not a few compressed powders that he chased down with a drink of water.

There was a time in Louis's life when he had people to talk to about it. Until a few months ago, he still talked to his mother about everything that was going on in his head. There was a while when he talked about it with his oldest sister, Louis soon found out that she was too young to understand such things. Nor did he want to put that pressure on her at her age. The option to keep things to oneself was soon the only option, he had said. His mother had tried to send him to therapy, but therapy was crazy, he didn't need it, he could solve it himself. He was in control. Deep down he was well aware that there wasn't any kind of control in him, if he had control, he wouldn't have been a coward and could have just talked to Harry. Then Louis could have looked at him on the bus. Then he would not have run away during the incident at the supermarket.  
  
For the past twenty-two hours, Louis's mother and his sisters had made a few attempts to get him out of his room, without success. They didn't know what they could have done to get him out.

For the past twenty-two hours, all on Harry's mind has been Louis. As soon as Liam and Niall had left the house, Harry had put his new guitar in the corner of his large and luxurious room. Harry had also made room on his bedside table for the 'compliment box' that he had received from Louis. He had carefully tucked the four-word note into the drawer of his nightstand, to make sure he wouldn't lose it. On Sunday morning, the first thing Harry thought of was the box, the first thing he looked at was the screen with a motivated text. "You're kind and loved, compliment someone else today." So that's what Harry had done, for the first time in ages he decided to make a real effort to talk to people for the first hour of the day. His mother and sister had looked at him as if he were crazy, but they accepted it nicely.

The first compliment Harry had given was to his mother, he always appreciated that his mother, despite his morning mood, always put the best breakfast on the table, he had thanked her for that. The second compliment he had given to his sister, Gemma, Gemma had recently drowned in homework, he had told her that he admired her, and she would get through it. He had never realized that giving compliments to people made yourself feel so good. Harry had no plans for today, Harry is a social person, he had always hated not being in touch with people, at least after the first hour of the day.  
  
In Holmes Chapel it was well known where Louis lived, the comedy when they moved there was big news. Luckily, people stopped coming soon enough, Louis thought it was weird, people pretended a celebrity had come to live there. People never actually called at the Tomlinson's house. So, when the doorbell rang through the house on Sunday evening, everyone looked up. Louis was still in his room, although somehow, he wondered who was at the door, his sad thoughts were overpowering. He had heard his mother speak to who was at the door for about half a minute before Louis's name was called. Louis had probably never sighed so hard, yet he answered his mother with a harsh "yes". He had no need for human contact, that would make things worse.  
  
"It's for you!" His mother had shouted back. A frown had formed on Louis's face, why would anyone be there for him? It was completely illogical, curiosity took over and for the first time since the day before he came out of his room. Louis didn't look like much, he had big bags under his eyes, was in sweatpants and a shirt, and his hair looked like a bird's nest. According to Louis, no special person could be at the door, but how wrong he was.  
  
Harry had thought about it for a long time and had changed his mind several times. He had come up with different scenarios in his head. Louis probably wouldn't say anything so he knew he should take charge. Harry was so grateful for the gift Louis had given him that he couldn't help but wait until Monday to express his gratitude. He also wanted Louis to know that he was sorry about the past few days ignoring him. Harry wanted Louis to know that even if he didn't talk for another year, he would care for him. Of course, he wanted to know what triggered Louis to run away that yesterday, but Harry wasn't a person to put undue pressure on anyone.

When he arrived at the front door of the small house, his hands were wet with sweat, and his feet couldn't stop tapping the floor nervously. Harry wondered if this was how Louis had felt the day before when he stood at Harry's door. Harry had to get all his courage together before he gave 3 firm knocks on the wooden door. The door opened faster than he thought, and Harry's eyes met a grown woman, probably Louis's mother. "What can I do for you?" Was the first thing she said. The woman's voice was kind, yet you could hear the hesitation behind it. Harry was aware that the Tomlinson's had not exactly received a warm welcome when they arrived at Holmes Chapel, so he had spoken back in his most friendly voice.

"I'm here for Louis, is he here?" Louis's mother had frowned at him and her eyes were figuratively filled with question marks. "He uh, he's at home, yes, he's in his room since yesterday." Harry immediately had a strange feeling in his stomach. why was Louis in his room since yesterday? Was he okay? ''By the way, who are you? Are you friends with Louis? Were you the one he went to yesterday? "" All the questions that were asked were a bit overwhelming for Harry, but he answered all of them as politely as possible. He had explained that Louis had never actually spoken, but had brought a present yesterday on his birthday, and that Harry was now at the door to thank Louis.  
  
Louis's mother had smiled at him and called out like Louis. All that Harry heard back was an annoyed "yes". It had to be made abundantly clear to Louis that the person at the door was there for him. Once that was done, both Harry and Louis's mother heard soft footsteps coming down the stairs. You could already hear from the footsteps that the person, Louis, who was coming down the stairs, was doing it hesitantly and very carefully.  
  
It was abundantly clear to Harry that Louis had completely neglected himself for the past twenty-four hours. The bags under his eyes were mixed with dried tears. Louis tried to make himself decent when he saw Harry at the door. He turned quickly and wiped away his dried tears, even though he couldn't magically remove the dark circles under his eyes. Even on Louis's worst days, he never made it seem like he was neglecting himself. Home was the ideal place to do so, he had nothing to hide from his family and no one ever came to the door for him.

Louis's mother left the doorway so the two boys could have some privacy. Once Louis had recovered a little, he made the slowest way to the opening in which Harry stood. Harry had not dared to ask if he could come in, he said Louis wanted him out as soon as possible. As Harry had expected, not a word came out of Louis's mouth, it was complete silence. It was abundantly clear from both sides that they didn't really know what to do or how to handle the situation. They couldn't stand in silence forever, so Harry decided he would make the first move. It came out like a pathetic monologue, yet Harry felt a little better; "Hey, yesterday we didn't have enough time ... I really want to know that I really appreciate your gift, I already used it this morning. Can you believe I've already complimented two people? Look, I'm sorry for being so distant over the past few days, I think I felt sorry for myself because you didn't respond to my invitation. Oh, I thought your note was sweet too, short and sweet, and I know we barely know each other, but I'm really here for you. I don't care if you don't talk, I have no idea why you don't, but I respect it. ''  
  
Do you know when you have that feeling in your heart that you just can't describe? Louis had absolutely no idea what he was feeling now. All he could do was stare at the younger boy standing in his doorway. The words that had just come out of Harry's mouth had left Louis speechless. Until twenty minutes ago, Louis had convinced himself that Harry hated him, and here he stands now, apologizing. Also, the fact that Harry had made it clear to Louis that he knew he was not talking brought mixed feelings. Louis appreciated it on the one hand, but it only made him feel more guilty on the other. Louis realized that Harry was trying hard to become "friends," or acquaintances at best. _But what if Harry was just trying to manipulate him?  
_  
Louis' mother, Johannah, knew that deep down there was still a particle of the old Louis. So, when she noticed Louis motioned to ask Harry to come in, a small smile had formed on her face. Although she was well aware that Louis would not say anything and Harry might be uncomfortable, she decided to sit down with them. Harry had happily accepted the invitation inside. Everyone could see clearly that Harry was well behaved, he had asked Johannah if he should take off his shoes, to which Johannah had shaken no.  
  
Harry had waited for everyone to sit down so that he didn't take any 'fixed' spots. It was the small gestures that made it all clear. Everyone saw it, everyone could see that Harry had good intentions, except Louis. Johannah doesn't blame Louis because she knows there is a good reason behind it. Yet she could understand from a different perspective that it would make people angry. That is why Johanna appreciates Harry so much for persevering.  
  
Once the tea and coffee were on the table, there was some silence. Harry found out that Louis likes to drink his tea the Yorkshire way. He himself drinks coffee, completely black, but Harry still liked to know a fact about Louis, even if only so small. Harry had also looked around the house in the most subtle way, although it was a somewhat '' cheaper '' house it was well decorated. He hadn't forgotten to make that clear to Johannah. He noticed that there are some family photos on the wall. Despite being too far away to see it all clearly, Louis's smile in the photos could be seen from miles away. He was pleased to see Louis smile, he had never seen it in person. There were thousands of questions in Harry's mind. Mainly searching for the reason why that smile was no longer visible. Looking for the reason behind the incredibly quiet older boy sitting on the complete other side of the sofa.  
  
From this visit to Louis's house, Harry left with fond memories of a long conversation with Johannah, where unfortunately he had learned nothing more about Louis. On his way out, he had looked a little closer at the photos, so that he could quickly observe all the photos. Louis had not said a word in all this, he had constantly listened to the conversation between Harry and his mother, occasionally nodding gently. Harry had noticed that nod, and made him happy, knowing that Louis was listening, and perhaps even a little interested.

Harry didn't think he would stay with the Tomlinson's for two hours. He left the house with a light heart. Before the door could slam, he turned to say goodbye to Johannah and Louis, he knew giving Louis a hug was not an option, Johannah had hugged him tightly. She let him go with the following words: "Everything happens in time, have a little patience, you will not be disappointed."


	5. trying

Harry hadn't given up. For weeks that followed, he sat next to Louis on the bus every day. There were days when he felt a little sick, and even then, he went to school. Not for himself, for Louis. Harry didn't want Louis to think he was leaving him. Compared to a few weeks, when Harry occasionally spoke to Louis, the conversations were now more extensive. Of course, Harry was technically talking to himself, but he told Louis an awful lot. After each weekend, he told Louis about what he had done in the two days. If he had eaten something he had liked, Louis would be the first to know. Although there was never a response, except for a little smile at times, Harry loved every second. The words Johannah had said a few weeks ago had stuck in his mind. He was willing to take his time, however long it might take. Something in him said it would all be worth it. Liam and Niall thought he was crazy. Harry wanted to keep all his friendships, so he was still with his two best friends during the breaks. He didn't really have any idea what Louis was doing in between classes.  
  
Johannah had asked Louis a lot about Harry in recent weeks, avoiding the situation every time. It wasn't that Louis didn't want Harry around, worse, he enjoyed seeing Harry next to him on the bus. Louis purely wanted to avoid that Harry would get close to his mother, that would mean he would be there more often, and that sooner or later Louis would have to open up. Somehow Harry was hoping that Louis would invite him to his home. He felt so stupid sometimes. He knew Louis wasn't speaking, how would he invite him? And why would he invite him? Also, Harry hadn't even spoken to Louis that day, but only to Johannah.  
  
During the school day, Louis always felt that he was missing something. Despite Harry sitting next to him on the bus, and more and more in class these days, he was alone the rest of the time. During lunch he was in a blind corner of the school, where not many people came. Louis had noticed that he was increasingly becoming the "loser" of the school. Well, not so much from the school, more specifically the target of some students. It was a few boys from his regular class who mainly targeted him. Louis didn't even know what their names were. She never took him when there were a lot of people around, especially Harry. As a result, Louis was extra vigilant during the breaks.  
  
The boys had already physically attacked Louis. For example, they accidentally tripped him or squeezed his arm just too hard. But they always made sure that the damage was not visible, it was always under the clothes

They weren't stupid, Louis had become their target because in the few weeks he'd been at school he'd never talked. They understood that teachers were also aware of it, and that Louis was never approached in class because of this. So, it was only natural that he wouldn't say anything if they did something. Louis was back today, like any other day, at his regular break spot in the school. It was a quiet corner, close to the toilets, where hardly anyone came. Normally he was wary, for some reason that was a different story today. Maybe because nothing had happened during the breaks in all that time.  
  
After his history lesson, he was the first to leave the classroom, to get to his place quickly. Louis feared that if he weren't fast enough, someone else would take the place. Where would he sit then? Louis was eating his sandwich, which his mother made for him every day. The corridors around him were empty until about five boys came into Louis's view. Despite not knowing their names, he was well aware of their intentions, and they were not good ones. Louis had tried not to draw attention to himself. Unfortunately, the five figures were already targeting him. Louis knew there was no point in trying to run.  
  
Whenever Louis got or had gotten into such a situation, he always considered three things; stay, flee, or avoid? So, he had already tried to avoid, fleeing was not an option, so staying was all that was left. His eyes did not leave his bun sitting in his trembling hands. The footsteps kept getting closer and he knew there was no way he could get away from it. He'd tried to avoid the words like freak and loser being thrown at him, but he knew it wasn't his strength. Louis understood why people tease him, he doesn't talk, he flinches when someone makes an unexpected move, so every reason to tease.  
  
Until now the boys hadn't done any intimate physical damage to Louis, so Louis hadn't been too worried, he was scared yes, but worried, not so much. He soon found out that perhaps he should have been concerned, that he could have protected himself even more. The first pull on his hair hurt, but when it hit the concrete wall, tears began to roll from his eyes. The first kick against him wasn't too bad, but Louis could swear he felt something break on the second kick. Anyway, the words being shouted at him hurt the most. Louis had begged in his head for it to stop. But it seemed as if his head had put it out loud, because soon he also felt shooting pain through his head. He could hardly have believed it was a foot hitting his head. Louis didn't want to believe this was all starting over. The mix of physical and mental pain became too much for him. He had taught himself in London that it gets blurry before your eyes, you better not close your eyes. So that's what he did. The pain came from all sides. There layed Louis, black and blue on the school floor, until the bell rang.  
  
Some people would use the expression "saved by the bell," not Louis. As soon as the bell rang the boys had left the somewhat empty hallway. Louis lay there alone, unable to move. He could beat himself. Now he was there, had lunch in the quietest corner of the school, no one was going to find him there, there were no classrooms nearby. He was going to miss his English literature class, and there was nothing Louis could do about it. It had been a few months since he had suffered physically in this way. A few soft sobs left Louis's mouth and the tears just kept flowing. Louis felt like he was paralyzed, his lungs felt heavier, and his head just didn't stop pounding.  
  
Harry and Louis have all classes together, and today both Louis and Harry had attended all classes. Suddenly, when Louis was out of English literature, alarm bells started ringing at Harry. There was also an unpleasant gut feeling that told him something was wrong. That feeling was soon confirmed when a group of five boys also entered the classroom. They laughed and mimicked movements of someone hiding their head, combined with sarcastic sobs.  
  
Harry had recognized the boys out of thousands, they were five of the most popular boys in the school after Harry. Harry could well remember the day one of the boys, Jack, had harassed Louis once on the bus. According to Harry, that was the first time he'd sat next to Louis.

Harry had gotten to know Louis well enough indirectly to know that Louis never missed classes unless something was really going on. He valued good grades. Harry himself, didn't really care about it before, he could always bribe teachers to put him back on present, he had his ways. The choice for him to leave the classroom was therefore not a difficult one. Just when the teacher started talking, Harry had rushed into the classroom with his backpack over his shoulder. He knew the school well but didn't know where to start looking. Louis could be anywhere, even outside. Harry tried to put himself in Louis. What Would Louis Do? It occurred to him that the lunch break had just passed, and that Louis was never in the cafeteria anyway.  
  
It was also a challenge to figure out where Louis could hide during lunch. Harry had already looked in the library, where he was approached by the librarian for making too much noise. He had checked the cafeteria to see if he might have gone there after all the fuss, but no. Harry could hear his brain cracking, thinking. Maybe the toilet cubicles were still a possibility, he could remember that in typical American movies some people went to eat in the toilet cubicle to be alone.  
Harry was pretty sure he'd checked all the toilets, with no sign of Louis. A great sigh left his mouth and he fell against a wall in one of the empty halls. Harry simply didn't get it, where the hell could Louis have gone. The thought did not last long because before he knew it his thoughts were interrupted with soft sobs. Harry looked up straight away, yet he waited a little longer before getting up, to locate where the sobs were coming from.

Harry walked down part of the hall, the sobbing coming closer and closer. He didn't want to draw any conclusions, but it sounded pretty much like Louis. His suspicions were established as he turned an unknown corner of the school. Harry had to look twice to really believe what he was seeing.

Louis laid on the floor, tears running down his cheeks, he had a black eye and a swollen cheek. One of his arms held his stomach the boy looked broken and it broke Harry's heart. Harry was already heartbroken for Louis, he didn't know it could break any further. Louis's eyes were squeezed shut. Harry thought Louis's crying sounded like the sobs of the angels. He had never heard anyone cry so softly.  
  
Harry knew he had to handle this situation in a delicate way. Knowing that Louis did not speak and did not want to be touched made it difficult to approach. He had walked cautiously to the crying boy on the floor, not knowing if Louis had noticed someone was there for him. He squatted and looked at the boy carefully. "Louis, it's me, Harry ...," he had said.  
  
Louis's reaction came immediately, he had recognized Harry's voice and immediately opened his eyes. When he saw Harry, he actually only started crying harder, which made the pain in his ribs and stomach worse. Harry's face went blurry all the time, but he forced himself to focus. Harry's eyes were full of concern. Under his sobs, Louis found some courage to talk to Harry, but nothing came out of his throat. Perhaps some weird noises and a feeble attempt at Harry's name came out.

But Harry figured it out, his eyes widened a bitbecause he couldn't believe this was the situation where Louis would speak tohim the first time. Unfortunately, he soon realized that talking took Louis toomuch energy, so he took matters into his own hands. Harry clearly knew he wouldhave to touch Louis to help him and he made it clear; "Louis, I'm so sorry,but I have to help you, I have to touch you." Is that okay? '' At first,Harry immediately saw the fear that had appeared in Louis's eyes, but that fearwas soon replaced with surrender, which he expressed with a small nod.  
  
Harry took his time and calmly explained to Louis where he was going to touchhim and quietly counted down before he would touch him. Harry's hands were soft,but Louis's body only responded with tense muscles and pain. Louis was in suchterrible pain, Harry carried him behind his back and under his legs, one ofLouis's arms gently rested around the younger boy's shoulders. The school nursewas on the other side of the building. There was a wailing sound with everystep Harry took with Louis in his arms. Harry regularly asked Louis if it wasgoing well, it was a stupid question, he only got an answer with a cry. Afterabout five minutes of walking, they finally arrived at the school's infirmary.The nurses' expressions when they saw what was coming in was indescribable.They had quickly walked up to Harry to take over Louis, but Harry shook hishead and placed Louis carefully on a bed.  
  
Harry had stayed there the whole time, found Louis's phone in Louis backpack,and called Johannah. Johannah couldn't leave work, Harry felt sorry for her,but she had made it clear that she trusted Harry with Louis. Louis in themeantime received an IV. His eyes beamed with exhaustion, it was clear he wastrying to fight it. Harry gently put his hand on Louis's shoulder as a signthat things would be okay. Only then did Louis calmly close his eyes.


	6. new

Harry felt that this was a step in the right direction, he had had a crucial breaking point with Louis, the fact that Louis had allowed him to touch him was a big thing. Although Harry had hoped that breaking point had occurred in a different situation, he was glad he could help. It was hard to believe how fragile the sleeping boy looked to Harry. The black eye, the bruises, Harry thought it was unimaginable what Louis had experienced not even an hour before. He made a vow to himself that he would not leave Louis. The nurses had examined Louis and found that there were no fractures, just bruises, very bad bruises. The idea that Louis hadn't broken anything reassured Harry, an operation was really out of the question.  
  
Yet the moment came when the school closed at one point, Louis could not spend the night in the school's infirmary, so he had become dependent on Harry. Knowing that Johannah could not leave work, Harry knew well that he had to take care of it himself. Despite the fact that he had his driver's license, he couldn't do anything with it because they had come by bus. There was only one thing to do; call his mother. Harry knew his mother was not going to make a problem of it and would come and get them. He was more concerned about how Louis would respond.

Once Harry's mother, Anne, arrived, everyone was ready to go. Anne was shocked by the way Louis looked. Louis was asleep, and the nurses had explained to Harry how to perform the follow-up care. 

At first the idea was to bring Louis back to his house, but no one was there. And who would take care of Louis? All the gears in Harry's head were spinning, and he had finally decided to take Louis to his house. It felt wrong when Harry picked Louis up one more time, this time asleep. He had not been able to ask permission and touched Louis without his consent. Harry had never been more careful before, he treated Louis's sleeping body like a fragile piece of porcelain.  
  
It only took a few minutes for Harry, his mother, and Louis to arrive at the Styles' house. The three entered carefully, Harry carefully put Louis on the couch and covered him with a woollen blanket. Then Anne had taken Harry into the kitchen, it was not quite as if Harry was being questioned. "You really care about him, don't you?" "I can see it in the way you are so careful with him". Harry knew she was right, he'd thought about it for a long time and couldn't even deny it to himself. He had nodded softly at his mother, followed by one of the biggest hugs he'd ever had. He hadn't even noticed that a soft tear rolled down his tear until the tear fell on Anne's shoulder. She looked up at him with a questioning look. "I just don't get how this could happen to him," he sobbed. "What has he ever done to anyone mom?" He is literally the most innocent person I know ''.  
  
Anne hated seeing her son break like this. She generally didn't like to see tears. Harry was not often in this state and that was a signal to her to know that he really meant this. From the door jamb of the kitchen, both watched the sleeping boy who was covered in bruises. Anne held Harry tight as he tried to control his emotions. Anne's arms were a safe place for Harry and he was so grateful that he could always come to that safe place.  
  
It took about twenty minutes for Louis to wake up. His eyes had to get used to the light first, but it didn't take long. Louis's eyes had been blown open and taking in the surroundings. It was an interior he had never seen before. His breathing started to pick up, there was no one else in the room. As his breathing accelerated and began to cause a panic attack, he felt the incredibly painful ribs. It took him a moment to realize what had happened. He thought back to Harry finding him and taking him to the infirmary. Harry reassuring him to go to sleep. The Harry who had called his mother to notify her. The Harry who cared about him.  
  
Thinking about his mother soon ended his thoughts with his sisters. That was the only punch he needed to panic even worse. Louis's upper body shot up and was immediately met again with the shooting pain in his ribs. A splitting headache also came up. The sound Louis made of the pain was hard to describe. Maybe a mix of a scream and a cry.  
  
Harry was in the bathroom of the house at the time. His hands were under the tap and he looked at himself in the mirror. He observed the bags he had grown from crying. When he heard the indescribable noise from the living room, he sprinted out of the bathroom. Harry had never run around the house at such a pace. He found Louis half sitting on the sofa, his hands clasping his ribs. Harry had remembered the advice the nurses had given him earlier that day. Keep him calm. _''If he panics, reset him. Give him any pain relief''.  
  
_That's what Harry did. He knelt next to the sofa, Louis a little startled by his presence and had withdrawn. Louis didn't know how Harry's voice affected him, but it drove him crazy. The younger boy told him it was okay, that he was at home and that he was safe. It calmed Louis a bit, when he found some energy somewhere in his body, he started looking around for his phone. He murmured very softly, "Where's my phone?" Harry had got up and walked to the hall, then came back with Louis's phone. Louis had pulled it from his hands, checked the time, and let out a relieved sigh.  
  
Harry looked at him quizzically, he couldn't understand why Louis seemed so relieved when he saw the time. He wanted to ask him but knew that most likely there would be no answer. Instead, he began to guess, so Louis had only to shake yes or no. Harry asked if he had an appointment, Louis shook no. Harry asked if he thought his mother was unaware, Louis shook no again, because he knew that. Harry asked if he needed somewhere, that was when Louis shook yes.  
  
It soon became apparent that Louis had sisters, which he was responsible for when they returned from school. When Harry presented the problem to his mother, there was no question of either Anne and Harry. It took only a few minutes for Anne, Harry's mother, to be in the car to pick up Louis's sisters from school. Harry had informed Louis's mother about the situation, and she couldn't make it clearer how grateful she was. At first, Harry already had the car keys in his hand, ready to pick up the younger girls. But the realization that Louis might become uncomfortable in a strange house, and alone with Anne, had quickly jumped to Harry's mind.  
  
Of course Louis's sisters were well-behaved and did not go with Anne when she was waiting for them at the school. The times they had heard the phrases, "Don't take sweets from strangers" or "Don't just go with strangers" were used very well in this case. Anne immediately called Harry via FaceTime and asked if Louis could get on the line. Once the young girls had seen and spoken to Louis, they were in the car, ready to go to Harry's house.  
  
Louis hadn't shown it, at least not very much, but he thought it was terrifying. The idea that he was in the house of a stranger, albeit "stranger", that his sisters were also on the road, and that he couldn't do anything about it, was scary, terrifying. He knew his boundaries had been greatly exceeded by the time Harry touched him, despite the fact that he didn't really have a choice. Although he was somewhat grateful that Harry had helped him, to the point of opening the doors of his house to him, he preferred to be at home, his own. By now he was used to taking care of his '' wounds '' and biting through the pain. Until now, he had been able to hide his unstable state from Harry, which is one reason why he did not speak to him. But now Harry had seen him at one of his worst moments. In any case, this moment would never be worse than the moment that led to this.  
  
Once his four younger sisters had entered the house, Louis felt a little more at ease. He hadn't said a word to Harry in the meantime, nor Harry to him, but there had been no awkward silences. When the four girls ran towards Louis, Harry had quickly gestured that they should be careful and take it easy. It seemed to have an immediate effect when the Tomlinson sisters arrived at the couch, pretending that Louis was fragile. Despite their age, they were somewhat aware of Louis's habits and so-called mental state. They spoke to Louis, but no answer came back. It wasn't because he didn't want to talk to his sisters purely because of the environment they were in.  
  
Harry suspected why only one side was spoken. He was quite surprised how Louis's sisters were the opposite of him. Not in appearance, they were very similar, but in personality and exuberance. The four did not stop talking, and despite their brother's condition on the couch, seemed happy. They also didn't seem older than sixteen. The eldest, Louis suspects, was quietest, she was part of the conversation between the sisters, but Harry could see the concern in her eyes when she looked at Louis.  
  
After a few minutes of watching the siblings reunion, Anne had pulled Harry aside. ''Their mother worked an evening shift, right? We can't send them back home, Harry. Invite them to stay, '' she said.  
And that's what he did. When they returned to the living room, everyone sat around the couch, Louis's face he listened intensively to the conversation that was going on. It fell silent for a moment when everyone realized that Harry was back in the living room. Anne was hiding behind him, waiting for Harry to ask the question. It came out a little slow, with a few stutters, but Harry asked if they were staying for dinner. From 4 childhood teenage mouths came yesses.  
  
  
"Louis doesn't really like vegetables," said the eldest of the four.  
  
Louis's cheeks flushed with shame, Harry smirked.  
  
"What's your name?" Harry asked the girl.  
  
"Lottie".  
  
"Well Lottie, we'll have a nice dinner tonight without vegetables." Especially for Louis ''.  
  


It was clear that Louis's cheeks were getting redder and redder. He knew Harry was just teasing him, but all he wanted was for the flushes on his cheeks to disappear as quickly as possible.

Somehow he was happy when Harry finally did a round of introductions with his sisters. Although he knew he had to force himself to keep his distance from Harry after today, he appreciated the moment. Louis thought they were going to eat something homemade, but after half an hour a pizza delivery boy from the local pizzeria was at the door. They normally ate at the large dining table, but since Louis was still lying on the sofa in a fragile state, they all decided to eat around the sofa. It was fun, Harry got to know Louis's sisters and Anne also thought it was fantastic to have some '' younger '' souls in the house again. Now and then Harry and Louis shared a subtle look, but Louis often quickly broke it off. Harry would have liked to ask Louis questions to find out more about him. But he knew after all this time that it was really going to cost more than a question. Louis's eyes showed that he enjoyed seeing his sisters so happy.  
  
At one point there was a comfortable silence in the living room and everyone was thoroughly enjoying their pizza. Harry sat in a chair next to one of the younger sisters, Phoebe. She had previously participated in a joint conversation but was reluctant to say anything personal to Harry. It was therefore surprising when she finally found the courage to ask for something.

"Are you friends with Louis now?"

Harry didn't know what to say, mostly because he knew that the older boy, across from him on the sofa, had heard very well from Phoebe asking. Harry's answer was somewhat doubtful.

"I like to think so".  
  
A small grin appeared on Phoebe's narrow face. The guts to look at Louis was not there at the time. There was hope he was thinking the same, but his expression would probably speak volumes.  
  
"So he's already told you about-".

Phoebe received a stern look from Lottie at that statement. It was clear that that subject was not going to be discussed. Anne looked around when silence fell. Nobody really knew what to say. It was clear that everyone, except Anne, knew there were things that went unspoken. As much as he wanted to know what it was about, Harry decided to play the safe way.

"Louis can tell me when he's ready".

In the end it turned out to be the right pronunciation, because in the corner of his eye Harry saw Louis giving a cautious sigh of relief. Very neatly said; Louis could shit in his pants. He knew that his sisters, especially the younger ones, were only just really aware of what had happened. That part of his life was actually something Louis wanted to keep hidden. Johannah thought it fair to give them an explanation of why they had moved to Holmes Chapel. They had to leave their friends in London, of course, but they didn't know why. When Harry said the words that Louis could tell everything in his own terms, it was a moment of comfort for him. Although the plan was not to ever tell him, he still appreciated that there was no pushing about what Phoebe was talking about.

It was clear that Anne had some idea what it was about. Everyone could also see that the bond between her and her son was very good. There was some confusion in her eyes.


	7. what now

It was quite late when Johannah came to pick up Louis and the girls. In the Styles' house the TV was on, it was a show that didn't really interest anyone, yet everyone watched, well, maybe not everyone. Harry had sat down on the couch too, there was quite a distance between him and Louis. He tried to keep his attention on the TV during the evening, but the boy sitting 'next to' him was more interesting. At one point, staring at Louis out of the corner of his eye was unhealthy or just plain creepy. For Louis it was pretty much the same, the pain in his ribs was actually not there as long as he wasn't moving, so he sat as still as possible. He didn't care about the program on TV, TV wasn't really his thing anyway, he was more into books. Still, Louis didn't want to make it clear that he was actually a bit bored, so with his head turned on the TV, he made an effort to look at Harry from the corner of his eye.  
  
It was around eleven in the evening when the bell rang. The girls slept in the living room and Anne had already made her way to bed. Harry and Louis were still sitting on the couch together at the time, still looking at the screen which was now playing an exaggerated reality show. The silence was deafening, so when the ringing sound came through the house, Harry jumped up. The four sisters also carefully opened their eyes.

Harry had met Johannah before, so the greeting at the door was comfortable and familiar. Before Johannah came in they talked for a while in the door frame. Still, Johannah did not let anything slip about the possible reason this had happened. Still, her painful expression made words speak.  
  
The breath she gasped when she saw the state of her son lying on the couch was shocking. They'd patched Louis up a bit in the afternoon, but he was still black and blue and the position he'd been in didn't look very comfortable either. Harry had carefully watched her reassure her son. Her hair lay gently on his cheek, rubbing her thumb across his cheekbone. Louis's eyes were closed, but a tear could still roll from the corner of his eye, which did not go unseen by Harry.  
  
All he wanted is to be in Johannahs position. Not in the role of mother, but in the role of reassuring the insecure boy. He couldn't even imagine Louis leaning his head in his palm and wiping that one tear away with his thumb.  
  
Harry was a little shocked how those thoughts had suddenly entered his head. He quickly turned away from the mother and son and focused on the four younger girls.

"Come on girls, time to pack things, you can go home again".

Three of the four sisters had pouted him. Lottie on the contrary, came over to him and put her arms around him.

"He needs you Harry, and you are there for him, thank you."

Harry was impressed by Lottie's short but impressive words, she was sixteen and so caring towards her brother. His hands gently gripped Lottie's shoulders and their eyes crossed.

"I promise to stay".

It was a tough promise and Harry knew it. Johannah had supported Louis as they walked out of the house with all the children. Louis's legs were not cooperative, and he hopped and hopped out of the house more. All the younger boy could do is stand in the doorframe and watch Louis get to the car. A gnawing feeling had arrived in his stomach in the meantime, and deep down he knew what the feeling was. The experience of touch with Louis, not even in a sexual way, had suddenly become something terribly important to Harry.  
  
The few words Louis had spoken to him might have become even more important to him. Yet he could see through the body, the expression, everything that was going on. He could see from the muscles that tighten in a millisecond that there was fear. His eyes squinting shut when someone made an unexpected movement told him there was pain, maybe old pain. It was never something Harry had paid much attention to in other people, but since he "knew" Louis, awareness of body language has become very different.  
  
It wasn't until the family got home that Louis let out his true emotions. Somehow the awareness in his body was not enough to realize how to respond to this situation. A sigh left his mouth from holding back at The Styles house. A tear rolled from his eye from the unconscious but used pain that still shot through his body with every movement.  
  
Still, there was a smile, knowing that Harry had cared for him and taken care of his sisters. In the end there was no more emotion, you could almost have called it a blank canvas, because Louis simply had not known it anymore. The emotions became too much, so much so that at one point it was just emptiness. Silence, comparable to the loud silence when you were alone in a room.

It felt like that. All he felt is like he was locked up, alone, in a big room. That great room was his body. There were cracks in the walls, from a large bomb that had hit it. Louis's ribs and the endless bruises covering his body were metaphorically that bomb.  
  
Neither boy had fallen asleep until three in the morning. Ignorant that they were both thinking of each other. Both still amazed at how the situation had turned out. The two constantly thought about what the next time they face each other would be. In a way, they knew it might mean they had grown closer together, otherwise it would be the complete opposite.  
  
What neither expected is that it was a mix of the two. It was Monday morning and Johannah had told Louis that he could stay at home for a few more days. The "no" had never come out of his mouth faster. Louis had always thought about the future, looking at what would come if he made certain choices. The choice of staying at home had not been an option for him.

The imaginations of what would happen if he stayed away for a few more days were not pretty. It reminded him of what happened when he had done that before.

 _''Couldn't even take a little hit? Do you need to get a foot against your ribs again? Maybe you will learn to become normal, psycho ''._ Those were the words Louis heard after staying home the first time he had been physically abused. And those were the first words that came to his mind when his mother asked him the question. When Louis arrived at the bus station that morning, it was abundantly clear that people were not trying to look at him. Not because they knew what had happened, but because Louis's eye was still blue and his cheekbone was still swollen.  
  
He was alone on the bus for the first few bus stations. As usual, Louis had turned his face to the window to look out. To say he was nervous about seeing Harry again was an understatement. It felt like the beating heart in his chest could pop out like that. His palms looked like a cascade of sweat.  
  
For Harry, who was waiting for the bus during Louis's bus journey, the symptoms were quite the same. Waddling on his legs, he waited for the big yellow box to arrive at any moment.

He usually enjoyed watching the bus drive. He could see Louis staring outside from a few yards. Still, that made him even more nervous today. During the weekend, he'd thought about the words he'd say to the other boy when they'd see each other again.  
  
At the moment, it seemed as if everything Harry had prepared for had suddenly disappeared. None of the well-prepared words were left in his brain. The yellow bus had arrived and his heart had started beating faster at the same speed, which was very fast. The door of the bus opened and there were doubts as to whether he should sit next to the black and blue boy, but he decided to.

Louis's face moved cautiously from the direction of the window to his hands. There was no doubt that Harry had sat down next to him, but now what?

What now?

That was the question that also circulated in Harry's mind. It didn't take long for him to realize how stupid he was being. There was no reason for either boy to slam shut now. It quickly turned to normal. Harry telling Louis about his weekend. He did omit the hours he spent thinking about this particular moment.

Speaking about what had happened on Friday was not done, Harry spoke alone anyway. As usual they were at the very back of the bus. The oldest at the window, but the youngest to speak. Every now and then there were glances, glances from people further up the bus, people who had figured out the two boys' routine by now.  
  
It was comfortable. Although the drive to school was short and Louis knew their paths would part there, he was happy with how things were going. His expectations weren't that Harry would act normal, and when Harry initially sat down next to him and said nothing, he thought it would be that way. The moment the school bus turned the corner of the school was beyond description. All the physical signals of stress that Louis could give were there, and Harry noticed. The trembling knees, sweaty hands, panicking eyes and all that showed it.  
  
The question of whether their ways would indeed part when they arrived as they thought was a stupid question. The boy's nervousness left Harry in no doubt. His phone was out of his pocket in no time, he had sent a message in the group app with Niall and Liam.

_Louis is with us today._

It wasn't even a question, it was an order. In what world would he leave someone alone in such stress? So during the day they stayed by each other's side. Harry in particular was almost glued to Louis. At times he saw that there were questions from the other boy, questions that he would not say. During lunch Louis had tried to get away to go to his 'regular' lunch spot. There was no question for him that he would sit in the cafeteria.

You could almost say that Harry could read minds. He had also informed Liam and Niall in advance that they would not be sitting in the cafeteria during lunch today. When the class ended before lunch, the two friends were already waiting in front of the two other boys' classroom. It shocked Louis, and not just a bit. He was almost convinced he was forced to go to the cafeteria. That was the moment he walked away from the group, to his usual place. He hadn't looked back when he sat on the floor in the corner of the hallway and took his sandwiches from his bag. In retrospect he might have had to look back, because three boys sat down next to him, one of them was well known to Louis, the others he knew by sight.

Words were shared by the three boys, as if nothing had happened. They had made the situation as normal as possible for Louis. He himself acted as detached as possible, appearing as if he was not listening to the conversation. He felt Harry's eyes burn into his skin. Somehow he liked it, he knew who arranged all this, he didn't have to worry about the five boys who attacked him on Friday. Although he didn't consider the three boys, or two boys, to be friends, he did feel safe.  
  
It was therefore not the first time that the two boys walked back to the bus together from school. The only difference this time is that they didn't take the bus, they walked. It actually went without any communication. It was complete silence, but comfortable. Both were deep in thought about how today actually had turned out. They both radiated satisfaction. Louis was a bit difficult because of his injuries, but bit through the pain.

Harry could see that Louis was struggling but realized he didn't want it discussed. The Styles house was closer than the Tomlinson's, so what Louis expected was Harry to stop walking with him when he got home. After Friday night, Louis reasonably recognized the area where Harry lived, and he had also taken in the outside of his house well. He had seen Harry approaching his house from a distance and had already mentally prepared for an awkward goodbye. A goodbye to Harry who probably wanted to give him a hug, but knowing that that is Louis's biggest nightmare.  
  
Harry didn't really know how it should have been made clear that he actually wanted Louis to come into the house with him. There was something holding him back. So, there was some surprise on both sides when they just walked past Harry's house. Louis wouldn't say anything anyway because talking-. He did wonder if he had remembered the other boy's house incorrectly. Harry's mind drifted to the fact that he was now walking a whole lot farther and back again. He didn't care that most of it was with Louis.  
  
They were halfway through the walk when Louis took a big breath and a smile appeared on his face. Louis was a person to go out into nature more often and to enjoy all the beautiful things there are. The silence between him and Harry made it feel like he was alone, so he thoroughly enjoyed everything around him. The birds that whistled, the sound of the leaves on the trees bumping into each other with the wind.

It was something Harry had never seen Louis do, the pleasure of his surroundings was evident in his expression. Nor had he ever really seen him smile clearly, the occasional small smile that came out a bit withdrawn at times. But today it was a genuine smile, true joy.

For Louis it was the environment that made today more beautiful, for Harry it was Louis who enjoyed the environment. It also made Harry so happy that it could not be left without words.

"Fantastic, isn't it? Just walk outside, so quiet. I see it makes you happy. ''  
  
He hadn't realized that Louis had let his walls fall until Harry said so. Due to some shock, it took a little longer to rebuild them. Harry's words were greeted with a flush of cheeks and a small nod accompanied by a shy smile. Harry laughed softly. What he didn't hear is that during his laughter, a small chuckle also came from Louis's mouth. It was an uncommon sound, and if he had heard it, it probably would have been his new favourite sound.  
  


Soon after, all the walls Louis had built with so much effort were back. Looking at his feet, he reflected on the fact that Harry had seen some real happiness from him, and especially how he hadn't said anything negative about it. That thought had stirred something up in him, and a warmth flowed through him. A warmth that he had welcomed with open arms a little over a year ago but would now get out as soon as possible.  
  



	8. different times

_Louis was happy, probably happier than he had ever been. School was good, friends were there and parties were never boring. He had a good reputation in school, his grades were good._

_It was a day like any other, Louis arrived at school and was greeted by a number of people as he walked in. Today would be a short day for him, two lessons and then he went to Max's house with his two best friends Max and Oliver. They were friends he cherished more than anything, their friendship lasted for five years already.  
  
Together they had been on the school's football team for a year. Every Friday evening was spent with the three friends at one of their homes, or at a party that was most likely organized by someone from the school._

_Louis loved being young. Young and popular, every teenage boy's dream. He had everything a teenage boy wanted or wanted to be._ _Despite that, there was one thing he was hiding. He hid it as if it were vital that no one should learn about it. And to a certain extent that secret was also vital to him. He couldn't afford to bring that out during his school career.  
  
Today's two lessons passed like a dog running after a ball. The three friends sighed hard and smiled at each other._

_It's Friday night guys! We know that means! '' Louis had cheered to them._

_"Getting shitfaced and fucking girls!" That was the standard answer from Max and Oliver. Louis never agreed to them saying that and he didn’t do it either. He knew it was wrong for several reasons. Despite the fact that he- It was simply derogatory to girls. He liked the whole concept of 'getting himself drunk' a little more.  
  
Tonight the party was hosted by someone from the football team, Owen. Compatibility between Louis and Owen had been really bad from the start. Owen, the football team captain couldn't handle change well, so when Louis joined the team it was already a problem. Anyway, the three friends never cared about who organized the parties, they cared more about the free drinks and Max and Oliver cared about the girls._

_There had never really been a clear reason why Louis enjoyed getting drunk so much. There were no problems he wanted to drink away, yet he liked the feeling of being drunk better than any other feeling in the world. The lightness in your head, nice thoughts, and above all that you spoke so much nonsense that afterwards you didn't even realize what you had said. Louis enjoyed and especially loved not being in control, letting go._

_Owen's house was decorated and lit with coloured lamps. The red cups could be seen all around the house. Sweat and booze were the two primary smells in the air. In every corner where eyes could land, people were half eating each other's faces. Things got worse in the bedrooms upstairs._

_Often the three friends lost each other within the first ten minutes of the parties and were too drunk afterwards to recognize each other. Louis always enjoyed himself very well. He often participated in a drinking game, beer pong was his specialty.  
  
From the start of the party, Owen had challenged Louis a bit. Max and Oliver were probably already in one of the bedrooms at that point._

_"Don't you have a lady by your side Louis?" Come to think of it, I've never seen you with a lady, fag ''._

_It was a comment Owen had made once when he was sober, at which point he'd laughed stupidly about it, as a straight man would. But the alcohol in his system changed things on this night. It was Louis's greatest secret. He simply couldn't afford that to come out.  
  
Ever since Louis knew he was gay just before high school, he has kind of set up a macho image for himself. All he wanted is just being who he was, but his common sense told him otherwise. He had never really been in love, but he had always found boys attractive, he had never had that with girls. So it was not very difficult for him to find out. He had also come out to his mother at the time, he already knew she wouldn't have a problem with it. His father hadn't been in his life since childhood, so he didn't have to worry about him either.  
  
Johannah had given him the biggest hug ever and prepared his favourite food in the evening. There was also a little kind of speech coming his way with the whole "no matter who you love" sermon. Still, he appreciated it, because he was well aware that not all people were in such a good situation when it came to coming out.  
  
Despite the responses he had received, one thing was certain to him, and that was that no one at school would know. He had envisioned a career for himself since childhood. Nothing would get in his way. And especially not something stupid like this. Louis should have thought a little more carefully before he started drinking. There had never been a problem while he was drunk before, but Owen pressed all his buttons tonight.  
  
‘’What if I'm a fag huh? What happens then, Owen?''  
  
Owen had been silent for a few seconds at first, not knowing what to say about the lavish statement that had just echoed across the room. It had come out of Louis's mouth in such an extravagant tone that even the music was not turning loud enough to not hear what Louis had said. All people dancing and talking voices stopped immediately.  
  
_ _The unconscious adrenaline that went through Louis mixed with alcohol had not made him realize what he had just said.  
  
_ _"So you like it up your ass Tomlinson?" was what Owen had said back.  
  
"Oh, took you long enough to find out, thought the day was never going to come".  
  
Despite Louis's self-confidence, he had never dared to be so outspoken when not under the influence of alcohol. Everyone in the room could guess that the words he had just uttered would be very sorry. The leader of the football team was known as a big homophobic, which was one reason why Louis was still in the closet.  
  
_ _Louis was also a virgin, the fact that he wasn't out had made it more and more difficult to find someone. Somehow there was a longing for love and someone he could spoil. So, it was completely unknown territory for him. The silence in the house still prevailed and everyone was still looking at the two boys. What was not expected was that Louis's exuberant words quickly became "sober" and realized what he had said.  
  
The treatments that people from the LGBT community received at their school was terrible. Despite being in London, it was a little religious slice of London. Every other day, one of the non-straight students was beaten up, and no one would ever say anything about it. Sometimes Louis wondered if people really didn't care or if she simply didn't want to end up the same way.  
  
Louis stood stiffly in the living room. Because of his drunken state, he hadn't thought about his words, but now ... Now he was aware of everything he had said. And all the people and the silence that wandered around him confirmed it even more. Definitely, his coming out was now final. There was no escape. He would be the talk of the school during the weekend and he had to face everyone again on Monday.  
  
Owen was primarily the person to make fun of people for their sexual orientation. So there could not have been a '' better '' coming out for Louis. This was confirmed very quickly by unexpected shouts.  
  
‘’Louis is a fag! And likes it up the ass!''  
‘’Louis is a fag! And likes it up the ass!''  
‘’Louis is a fag! And likes it up the ass!''  
  
The shouting is exactly what you can imagine in crazy football fans. It sounds hysterical but all together sounds good, yet a little intimidating. The redness in Louis's face cleared, and the shouts and cheers are now nothing but background noise. The only clear sound was his heartbeat, which was just a little too fast. All the moisture from Louis's body moved to his forehead, where drops of panic sweat now poured down._

_The whole room started spinning around him, he couldn't believe what he had done. Everything that had been worked so hard for was now ruined.  
  
Despite all the dizziness, he could still see some things clearly. It was as if things were playing in slow motion. Laughing and pointing people, who along with the rest were making fun of Louis. Red cups in hands. Light in different colours that still lit up the room. The thing that shocked the boy the most were the two familiar faces. He had honestly forgotten they were there, but at this point he wanted nothing more than for them to sit upstairs in a bedroom, doing things that went against Louis's morals.  
  
Their faces had turned white too. Both boys' mouths hung open slightly with an expression of disbelief. At first they seemed surprised, and Louis prayed they wouldn't mind. But their expressions soon turned to angry, betrayed, but mostly pure anger. That had been the last straw for Louis. Louis was a strong boy, but he couldn't take all this pressure. He ran, still staggering from drink and dizziness. Once outside he did not know where to go, together with his friends, now most likely ex-friends, he had driven to the party. Return transportation was no longer an option, and no one would offer it to Louis.  
  
Trying to call Johannah wasn't an option for Louis either. Johannah had never been in favor of Louis's partying and drinking. She was the best mother Louis could wish for, but she had made it clear from the start that she wouldn't pick him up if he was in trouble. Louis could not determine for himself whether this was an exception.  
  
That's how he found himself on the street on a Friday night, improvising on how to walk home. He knew the way a little, but being in the mix with emotions and alcohol was not a good option to get home safely._

_In the end, it had taken Louis two hours to get home. That in combination with an almost car accident, vomiting and a lot of tears. Louis had never felt so broken. Somewhere there was a sense of relief, knowing he didn't have to hide it anymore. Still, that was not nearly as important as the fact that he had to go back to school on Monday, and would get the full load there anyway.  
  
During the two-hour walk home, he had thought it through. The thoughts that Louis could walk away and start somewhere "new" wandered through his brain. But Louis's education was good, he wanted to finish it. It took another two years before he could graduate. At the time, persistence seemed better than nothing to him.  
  
That Monday, Louis was immediately proven wrong. It started with the people whispering in the schoolyard. Some of those people had familiar faces, they were people who all greeted Louis for that Friday and gave a friendly smile. Now it was no longer a friendly smile, it was now laughter, laughter at him. The attempt to silence the whispers had not been an option for Louis either. He was convinced that he had never heard the word gay so often, fag was also common._

_During the day everyone had looked at him, Louis hadn't said a word to anyone. His face hung low and he hadn't sat with Max and Oliver at lunch either. Instead, he found a comfortable, quiet spot in one of the hallways._

_Louis had always thought it a bit moronic when he saw people eating their lunch on the floor so alone and anxious. Somehow he found the comfort in it now, he much preferred to sit in the cafeteria, but he knew it would kill him sitting there.  
  
Just before the bell would ring, he walked to his locker to get his books for the next lesson, so he would avoid crowds. A popped note had fallen from his locker when he opened it. Louis was able to catch him quickly before he fell to the ground. Once the note was unfolded he read the words:_

_You're off the team, don't come._

_Football had never been his career choice, he thought it was a shame, but this way he didn't have to face the boys and especially Owen. A sigh left his mouth, his hand slammed the locker. The bell rang as he walked to his last class of the day; history. It made Louis a little nervous, knowing the hallways were filled with students.  
  
If it could not get worse today in history people talked about historical people with a different sexual orientation. Several people were joking about Louis and another kid in the class._

_Louis knew that boy was gay, he'd been out for a year. Louis had never tried to get to know his name simply because you didn't hang out with gay people. For the past year, Louis had watched him a bit, noticing that the boy was very shy and that all the comments still affected him. Guilt bubbled up in Louis's stomach, knowing the boy wouldn't have had to go through this alone.  
  
When class finally ended, Louis felt watched and uncomfortable. That made him leave the room like never before. He walked to the boys' toilets and leaned on the sink, examining the reflection of the tired and broken boy. The bags under the blue eyes had never been so dark. The skin on his cheekbones seemed saggy from the little sleep he'd had this weekend. His eyes bore a look of concern and panic for himself.  
  
Louis seemed to be drowning in the reflection of himself. It was almost like a blackout, which he only got out of when he felt a kick in the back of the knee._


	9. touch

The walk had continued in a comfortable way. Louis had acted a little nervous after Harry saw his genuine joy. Harry's joy could in no way be taken away. It felt like a victory to watch Louis fall his walls. Louis was always so alert to make sure no one would see his true self. Yet there was a form of confidence from Louis, otherwise he would not have shown that side of himself.  
  
They were still about five minutes from the Tomlinson’s house at this point. In their minds, both boys were drafting scenarios about how they would say goodbye. Harry longed for a hug from the older boy, or some form of physical contact. He always felt that physical contact could convey unspoken words, but with Louis neither were really on the table.  
  
The nervousness arose a little in both of them. The older boy walked with his head to the ground. Harry looked straight ahead, but sometimes glanced at Louis, hoping he would look back. Realization came quickly enough for both that they had to make a choice at some point. The house was already within sight at the end of the street. It felt like a choking feeling, getting closer to a moment when neither of them knew what to do. It should go naturally, say goodbye, but too many thoughts were wandering both heads.  
  
With each step it felt like the air in their lungs was getting heavier. Harry had never felt such a moment of internal panic. The questions about why he felt that way filled his mind too. Louis's head was so full he didn't even know what he was thinking, it was just panic.  
  
The moment of truth came before they realized it. Before they knew it, the now very intimidating house was in front of them. Both bodies stood still now, one still looking at the ground and the other waddling on his feet. The silence was deafening. Any confidence that had been in Harry's body minutes before had now been completely wiped out. A few mumbled words came from his mouth, but they were unintelligible.  
  
Harry looked up at Louis and saw a boy in a complete nervous breakdown. The day had gone well so several considerations arose. He had already touched Louis once with his permission, so he could technically just ask, although the situation was completely different now.  
  
Or he could just say goodbye and walk away, but then it seemed like he had the coldest heart in the world. It would probably cause Louis insecurity too, and he didn't want to be the reason behind it either. Harry's mother, Anne, had always told him that risk-taking made life interesting. It was a statement he should never really have applied because many good things in his life came naturally. He had always been lucky. If he wanted to get closer to the older boy, he probably had to take a risk. This moment would determine many things. That's why the nervousness was so intense, because it could ruin things or make things better.  
  
Louis's mother had always told him to remove himself from situations where he wasn't sure he wanted to be in it. It had always been good advice to Louis, although it had backfired at times. But for some reason, the situation he now found himself in with Harry was one he wanted to stay in. Despite the fact that there was some discomfort radiating from both sides, Harry's presence was immensely restful.  
  
"Louis, stop me if you don't want to, but I really want to give you a hug."

The words had slipped out of Harry's mouth before he could realize it. The other boy's ears weren't sure if the words were delusional or real. Louis closed his eyes for a moment to make sure this was the reality, then carefully lifted his head.  
  
His head was up, but his eyes didn't cross Harry's yet. He was nervous, clammy, and his body was shaking with fear, not bad fear, more nervous fear. The younger boy did not expect an immediate answer when his words had been spewed out of his mouth. It took a good twenty seconds before Louis finally dared to cross his eyes with Harry's.

Harry admired the blue eyes, they were as blue as an ocean normally only seen on TV. An ocean that everyone wanted to go to. But Louis's eyes were so much more. Louis's eyes were an ocean to run into.

His eyes bore so many words, but also lies. There was so much dredging to uncover. Harry always had a hard time digging through the dredge to learn more about Louis, but it was always so worth it.

Louis's ocean eyes were an ocean he wanted to get lost in. But most important; he wanted it to be his ocean. It took an instance for a response from Louis. Their eyes had been stuck together for several seconds. That was quite a step for Louis, normally eye contact would have already put him off.  
  
Of course his response wasn't verbal either, it was a nod. The nod spoke words, words Louis didn't really know if he wanted to speak. There was no doubt in Harry's mind. He quickly brought his body to the other boy's. The only reason he did it quickly is because he hoped Louis wouldn't change his mind. Still, Harry approached him in the most calm way possible.

All feelings and fears slipped through their fingers for a moment. Louis's body had surrendered, voluntarily. Yet his thoughts were still running. In the split second that Harry had shot at him, he had observed the softness in Harry's eyes. Not only the softness, but also the friendliness and the glimmer of concern for Louis.

The security that Louis had always protected at all costs now fell quietly, only for Harry. The price was expensive, the feeling his body was going through was something uncomfortable but also nice. Both boys were very much aware that the feelings in this situation were incredibly important and valid. Louis showed his broken soul and his pain. Despite the fact that it was all non-verbal.

Everything Harry wanted to be for him was something to hold on to. Something to get safety from. Someone with whom Louis could express his feelings without saying a word.  
  
The hug was intense. Harry let all his worries and feelings drift into the physical feeling. Against him he felt a fragile body shaking so terribly that Harry wondered if he should let go. At one point, Harry had pulled back a bit, the only reaction being that Louis gently pulled him back. Harry embraced this gesture and couldn't believe the moment had come.  
  
The two bodies felt together as if they were made for cuddling. They melted together like two perfect molds. For a moment it felt as if all worries had been swept away from the world. As if Louis didn't have a history that should keep him from doing what he was doing.  
  
For a moment, tears appeared in Louis's eyes at the realization that he was in physical contact with someone. A boy, a boy for who Louis couldn't quite place how he felt about him. An involuntary sob left Louis's mouth, tears running too. Harry's head pulled away while his body didn't move. He looked at the other boy and saw the tear. He gave a questioning look, to which Louis nodded. That was the permission he needed to make movements. A hand had moved closer to Louis's face and his eyes closed for a moment. Realizing quickly that it was not necessary for anything, he opened his eyes again. Harry had waited until his eyes were open again to ask for permission again, and he gave it.  
  
A firm thumb wiped the thick tears from his face, then two firm hands held his face and Harry looked at him closely. They melted into the hug again. One of Harry's hands rested on the back of Louis's head and the other on his back.

There was confirmation that Louis enjoyed strength, security and comfort. And Harry offered all of that to him at the time. Although his body still had the natural reaction that he couldn't just get away, Louis was able to make a little more peace with it in his mind. His head had for the moment put all the dark memories of the past in the background. For a moment it felt as if he had, or had gotten, all control back from Harry. The idea haunted his head for a moment; get control back from Harry. Somehow that also meant letting go of control.  
  
If they had waited for all the feelings to be poured into the hug, they could have stood for hours. While this hug might have lasted for a good two minutes, it felt like it was a millisecond. The two bodies, one still trembling, gently pulled away from each other. The coldness took over again and Louis's eyes had darted to the ground again. His brain thinking about why Harry wanted to hug him, about why Harry wiped away his tears. The thinking had already started again.  
  
Harry's body felt like it was full of warmth. He was happy with the event that had just happened. Unconsciously, he knew that Louis would withdraw after the hug. The gesture and feelings that had happened just before must have been overwhelming to him. And Harry respected it.

His body automatically took a step back to give the still-trembling boy some personal space.

His body language had immediately changed to a slightly relaxing one, Harry could now read his body language and understood it immediately.

''No, thank you''.  
  
One thing was for sure, and that was that Louis hadn't expected Harry to analyze his body language so well. When the automatic answer came to his body position, Louis was amazed. No one else that Johannah and Lottie could have understood his body language.

Although Louis's head was bowed, Harry could see his eyes widen at the three words. It made him chuckle a bit. Wanting Louis to know he was grateful, he said a few more words.

"I don't know if you know, but that hug was very important to me. I hope for you too. Thanks for opening up, I can't imagine how hard that must be for you. A wise person once said to me these words: "Everything happens in time, have a little patience, you will not be disappointed." I'll be waiting for you Louis Tomlinson, all the time you need. "  
  
The warmth in Louis's abdomen was beyond description. Some confidence bubbled up and again that day he looked Harry in the eye. Harry's soft eyes welcomed his eyes like a visit to your favorite grandmother.

Louis knew he could speak now, but retired anyway. His memories drifted back to that day when he first showed Harry a real emotion, unconsciously. It had made Harry happy and he said it to Louis. So in response to Harry's meaningful words, Louis smiled. He smiled big, not in a scary way, in a grateful way. A grateful way that made the unspoken words between the two discussable.  
  
Louis now turned quietly to his house, looked at it. Happiness jumped over him, glad he'd just hugged someone in front of his house. A hug of two whole minutes. His back was turned to Harry now, and he took a cautious step toward his house. For a moment he turned his head and was greeted by the now smiling Harry. The two boys were now smiling at each other. It was something that even a picture wouldn't be able to tell the story.

The story was exclusive to the two of them. No one else would know about it, for now. It was for them, and their now brightened feelings.


	10. uncertainty but will

Maybe it was the sky, maybe the sunlight that shone brightly every day. The days after the event passed very quickly. Things had changed, not much different. Louis was still silent and did not say a word, but a change in relations between the two boys was evident. There had been less distance between the two boys. Mainly in the physical area. Harry walked with Louis to the next classes, occasionally there was a little deliberate touch on their arms. Withdrawal was still present with Louis, still shocked at every little touch. Although if he noticed the touch was from Harry, it calmed him down a bit. Until now, the initiative only came from Harry, Louis's past left him with too much uncertainty.  
  
At lunch it had now become sort of a routine for Harry, Louis, Liam and Niall to sit together. Not in the canteen, but in the place where the four of them had sat together the first time. They weren't necessarily friends with Louis, but they knew how much it meant to their friend Harry.

The fact that Louis was constantly in the presence of people protecting him, the five boys who had previously kicked him into the hospital hadn't gotten any closer either. It was clear that he was being watched and the fear that at some point he would be alone and caught was great.

Often the boys remembered the intimacy that had happened a few days before. Ignorant that the thought warmed them both, they didn't talk about it together either. It was only logical, then, that it would only go uphill from here. More touch, more comfortable moment, and maybe someday speech from Louis. It was all up to them and there was confidence that it would one day happen.

Of course, they were fools in that thinking. The situation the boys found themselves in was not an ordinary one. Louis was drowning in the mental problems, which were lifted a bit by Harry, but was very far from himself. Harry hoped too much, he had unrealistic goals in mind, never had to put in too much effort for things he wanted.  
  
Harry had been interested in photography from an early age, or so he thought. A few years ago, his mother had to hear for weeks how he wanted one of the latest photo cameras. Financially, Anne could afford it, she could have bought it ten times over if she wanted to, but hadn't always wanted to give Harry his way.

It wasn't so much that he was spoiled, but he could go on and on. So, after a few weeks of begging and blackmailing, he got the camera. For the first few days, Harry loved it and took pictures of everything he came across. Whether the photos were really as great as he claimed was a never-ending conversation. Still, Harry was tired of it after a few days. The camera had run of cloth in the attic and had been unused. It could well be that the ridiculously expensive thing was even still there.  
  
Unlike Louis, Harry had always been right. Louis had come from the outskirts of London with his family. It was an old and familiar place to him, until then a little over a year ago. The playground on the corner of the supermarket was a place where Louis could often be found with his friends. They never did anything illegal, but often had some fun.

In the supermarket next to the playground worked Bertha, Bertha was well known around the city. There were stories circulating about her living in America in her younger days, Hollywood to be specific. Rumour had it that she had gotten some famous actors into bed there. Still, no one could confirm it, Bertha was a mystery.  
  
At the local cafe on the cafes square - as they called it - mothers of the local high school students could be found. Johannah had been there regularly. The mothers gossiped among themselves, almost thinking they were still in school themselves.  
  
So far, everything had run smoothly for Louis. Until the event, which he would rather not think about. After that the city got grim, everyone was talking about the son of the Tomlinsons, but when they walked by on the street there was no "hi" or greeting, not even a friendly nod. Louis would have liked to study abroad, in a country where "his kind" was accepted. He had always known that this would not be an option, the financial situation of his family simply did not let it. Yet sometimes Louis would lie in bed and wonder what it could be like. Being lost in another country, learning a new language, maybe having a nice boyfriend, but above all being accepted. When he laid in his soft bed and he thought about it, Louis could then wander for hours, and often it was his mother who called to come and eat, who brought him back to reality. Never in his life had he ever experienced that he could be completely free. Never in his life had Louis experienced that he could be himself completely. Often - especially in London - he felt like he was just a puppet in a big game, a game in which he had control over who he should be, but with boundaries over who he _could_ be.  
  
Before the unfortunate incident of Louis accidentally coming out, he hadn't really realized the whole concept of being a puppet in a game. The whole "coming out" was just something he'd left behind, never told.

But when it came out that Louis was a gay man, a gay teenager, a "fag" as some called it, Louis realized he was constantly posing as someone he wasn't. For many that would be a thought would set someone free as a person. For Louis, with some other things, that only made him withdraw more.  
  
To put it mildly, it had broken Louis, London had broken him, all the people who didn't understand and accept him had broken him. Silence had not come right away, Louis had talked at first, but had withdrawn considerably. The sentences spoken were short and simple, while normally thoughtful answers came from his mouth.

In his mind he was still the trusted Louis, he answered to things people said, but only to himself. But sometime during the whole commotion, he stopped doing that too, thinking people would somehow hear it. The whole move to Holmes Chapel had been stressful for the whole family. There had never really been a plan from Louis's side, London was unbearable, and Holmes Chapel was the first and best they could go to. It had all happened very quickly, and before Louis knew it, he was already in a new place.

The early days were reclusive, and Louis had wanted to keep it that way. The nervousness about going to school was extreme, thinking back to that day there was a lot of thought to just walk away. Reflecting on that first bus trip, he could have shit in his pants, literally. Pretty embarrassing for a nineteen-year-old. In terms of fears, he might have gone back mentally to a budding adolescent who is afraid to call the doctor.  
  
Harry remembers finding Louis on the bus that first day. You could tell from his body language and lack of words that he was scared. Then he was also challenged by Jack, right on his first day. It was also the first time there had been an interaction between Louis and Harry, when he had been able to send Jack away without words and sat next to Louis for the entire ride.  
  
There had been a special bond between the two from day one. On day one, Harry sat down next to Louis without any intention or expectations. And from then on, all his actions had been to protect Louis. It had also been special for Louis to make an attempt to attend a birthday, as he had with Harry. He had never bought a present for an unknown or unfamiliar person. At the time, he may not have been aware that there was any confidence.  
  
The gift Harry had received on his birthday in the name of Louis, he happily used every day. He also kept the note that came with it as if it were his most precious possession. It never really occurred to him talking to Louis because he didn't want to make a big deal out of it. Secretly, was the first thing he looked at in the morning.  
  
Everything seemed too perfect - everything was too perfect - and that made Louis more anxious than ever, knowing that nothing could ever remain perfect. Things were perfect in his perception, anyone else who would step into his shoes for a moment would find this actual hell. Things were quiet at the moment, nobody bothered him, he had a damn handsome boy by his side. Maybe not by his side the way he dreamed of in bed at night, but at least he was there.  
  
Harry had never spoken to Louis about his sexual orientation. Louis didn't know if what he sometimes wanted from Harry was inappropriate. Regardless, he thought he was dirty whenever he thought of such a thing. Imagining that he would ever be with someone and maybe even have a family with someone was unimaginable. Self-esteem, which was actually a joke, was so terribly low that Louis saw no future for himself. Not in the sense that he wanted to die, but that he simply didn't know what would become of him. A future with Harry was something he didn't envision anyway. As far as he could tell, Harry was the most heterosexual boy ever.  
  


That was perhaps the only thing Harry had ever struggled with in his life, his sexual orientation. Nobody knew about it at school, at home his mother knew about it, his sister also knew about it. When the whole experience of feelings came to him and he found out that girls weren't doing it for him, it was terribly scary. Knowing that would not be accepted at school, he was quite reluctant to tell his mother. Deep down, he knew she would be okay with it, but it was a big step.  
  
At school, Harry has always kept quiet, he wasn't too scared to come out but just didn't have the energy to deal with all the commentary around it. He was aware, knowing that if it came out, there would be a lot of hassle around it. That his status would probably go down. Despite all that, there was no fear. He still hadn't figured out exactly what had happened to Louis in London, yet there was a strong suspicion that Louis might be the same as him.  
  
Sometimes Harry doubted he wanted to know what had happened to Louis, he was afraid there would be so much horror that he wouldn't even know how to react to. The reason there had not yet been openness about his sexuality to Louis was purely due to doubt. What if Louis wasn't in the same boat as him? He could ruin his entire reputation by putting out something like that. Not that Harry thought Louis would ever do such a thing to him, because he didn't even speak.  
  
So in the end, the only people who knew everything about him were his mother, his sister, Niall and Liam. There was hope that Louis could one day be added to that list. There wouldn't be so many fears and insecurities if communication between the two were better. Louis might even be talking if he knew what Harry was hiding. Things were just uncertain, and they were both willing to wait and invest time in the friendship.  
  
For now, both were happy and very happy with the state of affairs. Today they walked home together again, Harry walked past his own house again to make sure Louis would get home safely. Harry was talking about things again, Louis, as usual, listened with all possible interest. Today there had been another hug, a very short one because Louis's fears took over for a while, but it was okay, Harry could only smile.

Things were good, both were happy and couldn't wait for what was to come. However, neither of them expected that things would become so difficult and that there would be a lot of pain.


	11. week end

Louis's mother, Johannah, and Harry's mother, Anne, had grown closer. It was everything Louis hoped wouldn't happen. Despite the fact that things were going well between him and Harry, this was a risk. He had thought about it before, and how this could have a bad effect on the situation, but now it became a reality.  
They weren't so much friends yet, but apparently Harry had told Anne he and Louis were friends. It was not yet clear to Louis whether those were the exact words Harry had used. Johannah had told him that Anne had contacted her.

It had always been normal for Anne to get to know the parents of your son's friends. As a result, she was now on good terms with the parents of Liam and Niall. Sometimes they all went to a restaurant, it was fun for the boys and the parents.

When the phone rang at the Tomlinsons, Johannah answered, not knowing who was calling. Anne said she had found the number from when Louis was with them from the hospital. Johannah thought it was nice that Anne called her, and they therefore stayed on the phone for quite a long time. The conversation had been about both boys and a bit about moving to Holmes Chapel. Still, Anne did not go into detail about Harry's feelings and Johannah did not go into Louis's past in London.  
  
It was no surprise to Harry when he heard his mother had called. On reflection, he should have told her it wasn't smart, especially for him and Louis. It left him fearful of what to expect from Louis when he saw him again. It was the weekend at the moment, so not today or tomorrow anyway.  
  
"I'm going to have lunch with Johannah, Johannah said you were welcome at Louis".  
  
After those words were spoken, Harry should have caught his breath. It could mean three things. 1; Louis knew nothing and would have unexpected visitors. 2; Louis knew about it and was forced by Johannah to invite Harry. 3; Louis knew about it and had taken the initiative himself to invite Harry.  
  
Given the state of affairs between the two boys at this point, Harry couldn't decide which of the three options could be. Regardless, seeing Louis was a pick-me-up on his weekend, so he didn't turn down the offer.  
 **  
**"I'm going to have lunch with Anne, I said Harry was welcome to come over".  
  
For Louis the reaction was different, pure panic broke out. It was probably visible through his eyes, but he did not say it. He tried to hide the fear in the best way possible, but Johannah was not fooled by his expression.

‘’Harry has been very good with you so far Louis. I understand you have every right to be careful and feel anxious, but I think this Harry is a good one. ''  
  
The words should have calmed him down but made the state of his mind worse. All doubts about whether Harry was really "a good one" like his mother came back. Yes, Louis realizes that Harry could have hurt or left him long since they _hung out_ , but despite that, he didn't rule out the possibility. And now that he would have to sit in a house with Harry, without anyone even there, made him anxious. His sisters had also slept at friends' house exactly today.

Louis compared his house to a habitat. Although Harry had already been to his home once, he was very protective of his house. You could compare it to an animal's house, protecting their home with everything they have. You couldn't have a squirrel raided by their nuts just before hibernation.  
  
Since Johannah didn't really give Louis the choice to decline, he was already mentally preparing for Harry's arrival. It was clear that Harry would not decline. He hadn't missed a moment in the past few months when he could be with Louis.   
  


The preparations Louis made were mainly mental, he had freshened his face for a moment to hide the tears that had previously run down his cheeks. He'd talked to himself a few times, to make sure he'd be okay. For some reason he changed clothes, first wearing a sweater with sweatpants, but decided to put on some skinny jeans with a loose hoodie.  
  
The hairbrush had seen his hair a few times and his toothbrush had been in his mouth for at least 5 minutes before he thought it would be okay. The load of deodorant that went under his armpits was also out of this world. He sprayed a perfume he had probably bought at a cheap drugstore three years ago several times.  
  
Why he did all this he only began to wonder when he looked in the mirror afterwards, asking if he was satisfied with the reflection. The reflection looked different than usual. It still showed a tired nineteen-year-old with thin legs, but one who had put some effort into his appearance. He'd never really liked self-confidence, but he'd almost winked at himself when he looked in the mirror.  
  
Mother was clearly pleased with the result when Louis came down. Johannah was about to leave when her eyes fell on Louis. She had been silent for a moment.

"You look good boy, Anne is here, we're leaving now, can Harry come in?"

She knew Louis didn't like it when a whole show was put on his looks, but he really appreciated the discreet compliment. Knowing that Harry was just a few feet away from the front door made him feel insecure. Unsure of how he would react to a freshly dressed, smelling-of-3-year-old-perfume Louis. With a nod, he confirmed to his mother that she could go, not knowing if he was one hundred percent ready to receive Harry alone. However, this was perhaps the surest thing he would feel.  
  
Harry and Anne waited with clammy hands at the front door. Somehow, he thought the nervousness he was experiencing was really stupid, knowing that he had been here before and the only change now was that he would be alone with Louis. It was no mystery to him that Louis would be even more nervous than himself. With everything he had in him, he pulled himself together for a moment to appear as confident as possible. All he expected of himself was to put Louis at ease, and he couldn't if he seemed even more nervous than Louis.  
  
The door slammed open and Johannah stood in the opening. Anne and Johannah gave each other a smile, it seemed as if they had known each other for a long time. They talked to Harry for a second, told him to have fun. Johannah gave him another cautious look before the two of them walked away from the house.   
  
An open front door now stood in front of Harry practically yelling at him to enter. He wiped his clammy hands on his pants one last time, took a deep breath, and walked carefully into the house. Louis wasn't in the hall, Harry carefully took off his shoes, knowing that was a house rule. He walked on and entered the living room. At first, he did not see Louis, he looked around for a moment. Only then did he notice that Louis was standing next to the staircase leading into the open plan living room. Louis's body language screamed nervously. His body was not upright, his shoulders not straight, his head not up, and his arms gently wrapped around himself. Fragile was the word, he seemed fragile.  
  
When he came into Harry's line of sight, the nervous feelings drifted away from Harry. He immediately had an instinct to reassure Louis, as if he knew what to do. But he took a step back first, of course he was in Louis's house and couldn't just do whatever he wanted. Normal people would sit on the couch or look at the pretentious cheerful picture frames on the walls. Harry, on the contrary, asked something, which not many people in such a situation would ask.

''Do you want something to drink? I can get something if you like it? ''

Louis thought the question was cute, but the embarrassment was already bubbling up in him. A good host would offer that to his guest, not the other way around. He worked up some confidence and shook his head no at Harry. Harry reacted with a slightly surprised look and didn't really know what to do next. Louis saw it, he had always been good at recognizing body language but never showed it. Like Harry, it was a trait he controlled but liked to keep to himself. Louis carefully took a few steps forward, bringing him closer to Harry. His arm lifted gently and pointed to the sofa, with an inviting gesture.

Harry understood. His body turned almost automatically and was already moving towards the sofa. Once seated, it was expected that Louis would join them. But he just disappeared into the kitchen. In the kitchen, Louis leaned over the counter and took a few deep breaths. The little non-verbal communication he'd just used scared him terribly. The only reason he did it was to make it look like he was a good host, he still thought it was terrible himself. It felt like the energy had been sucked out of his body from the small interaction.  
  
Knowing that Harry was now on the couch and he had walked into the kitchen with a purpose, he went to work. The experience he has built up in listening since he stopped talking has helped him remember that Harry likes to drink coffee, all black. Yet for a moment he told himself that if he was wrong, he wouldn't forgive himself. He made tea for himself and brought a box of biscuits just in case.  
  
It probably took him a full minute to find the courage to walk into the living room. From the kitchen he could look a little into the living room. Harry was still sitting on the couch, his fingers playing together, and he looked around a little. He walked into the living room with a tray of shaking hands shaking. Louis felt like his legs could collapse, he was so scared.  
  
Harry's head shot when he heard the footsteps run into the living room. Louis walked there, carrying a tray, carefully, two filled mugs and a box were on it. Instinct told Harry to get up and take over the tray, seeing how badly it was shaking. When he pushed himself off the couch and Louis noticed what he wanted to do, Louis shook no. For Louis it was a moment when he could prove that he could do something himself, even if it was such a small thing. When he arrived at the coffee table, he carefully dropped to his knees and put the tray down on the table. Harry immediately saw his coffee, black as he likes it.

"You remembered".

The two cautious words made Louis jump inside. A little blush formed on his cheeks and he looked down at the floor. It made Harry grin, admiring Louis's flushed cheeks. In order not to appear rude, he picked up the mug and brought it to his lips. The steam already indicated that the coffee was still hot, but he took a sip regardless. It burned for a moment and Harry blew the warm steam from his mouth.

"Ridiculously hot, but still the best coffee I've ever had. You will have to teach me how to make it ''.  
  
Yes, the coffee was nice. The best he'd ever had. Not particularly. But Harry knew that compliments were good for Louis, the blushes proved it. He knew that the coffee was made with exactly the same machine as at his home, and the coffee itself came from cheap cups from the supermarket.

Silence hung in the living room, not an uncomfortable silence. They both drank the drinks. Just like the last time Harry was in the house, he unconsciously looked at the pictures on the walls. The surprise was still unavoidable when he saw Louis smile so big in the photos. Harry thought it was an infectious smile. It is such a smile that you can see from miles away, that makes everyone's day a little better. But a smile that you hardly ever see. According to Harry, it was a shame that Louis stopped smiling.  
  
In the meantime, everything went smoothly with Anne and Johannah. They had entered into a good conversation about school and the boys. Johannah had expressed her gratitude for Harry to Anne and she took the compliment deeply. Harry had already warned Anne that if she asked about what happened to Louis, she probably wouldn't get an answer. It wasn't Anne if she wasn't curious, mostly she wanted to know why Harry was such a good influence on the older boy.

"Hey Johannah, Jay, can I call you Jay? Yes? Okay, fine. I had a question, and I don't expect you to answer it, but I would like to know a little more about Louis. Harry has already told me things, but nothing about the past, just about how Louis is now. He doesn't really know anything about him. Only if you want to talk about it ... ''  
  
It made Johannah, in this case Jay, swallow for a moment. The angel and devil fought each other in her head. Was this fair and sensible to say? Knowing that the Styles had already done so much for Louis, she felt some obligation to say a little more, so that's what she did.

"I'm not going to go into too much detail, because some things are up to Louis himself. A little over a year ago, something happened to Louis at a party, which he technically could have prevented himself, but it wasn't fair for him to hold back. It had never been fair game for him. Because of what happened, the situation has changed acutely. Louis lost his friends, was bullied, not teased, really bullied. It has never been just mental bullying. It had immediately become physical. I think he could handle that, my heart was broken for my son, but I couldn't do anything. The school didn't want to do anything either. The thing that I think broke him is something that happened the day after the party. That is also the thing that is not for me to tell, Louis never told all the details, but I know what happened. Then he stopped talking, stopped laughing, and closed himself off. ''

Johannah knew that practically no secrets had been told in this story, she had not told about Louis's sexuality, nor about-.  
  
"That's awful, I don't know what to say. I don't know what I expected, but certainly not. And that it has gone wrong again at school, he deserves better, '' said Anne.  
  
If Harry knew his mother knew more about Louis than he did now, he could have screamed. But that didn't alter the fact that he was with Louis right now and didn't want to be anywhere else. In the meantime, Louis had taken the initiative to turn on the TV, at each channel he glanced at Harry to ask with a glance if he liked the program on that channel.  
  
Once they found a program, the silence remained, still comfortable. They sat a few feet apart on the large corner sofa. That was the only thing Harry wanted to change, the distance. After the hug it also felt like that was possible. Still, he included in his decision that this was the first time that Louis and Harry had been alone in a private place, and Louis was most likely out of his comfort zone. Also, because he had never '' communicated '' so much with Harry.  
  
They watched for a good twenty minutes. Harry thought about things he could say, things that might start a conversation, but found nothing worthy to say. His head turned Louis his way and caught Louis staring back. Both of the boys' heartbeats started beating a little faster, for some reason their eyes hung on each other. Louis wouldn't say a word and Harry couldn't find words, so they both decided to live in the sign world. Harry gave two taps on the sofa next to him as a gesture for Louis to come closer. Louis had understood the gesture right away, but hesitated for a moment, knowing it would be a more difficult situation to break out than a hug.  
  
Carefully he got up and sat down next to the spot where Harry's hand had been tapping just before, to keep some distance. Harry thought the caution was cute, how he refused, or at least wasn't comfortable enough to sit right next to him. Louis had sat down in a very formal position, straight back, head bowed, feet on the floor and hands clasped in his lap. Everything indicated that he was taking a huge risk, taking a risk that took him out of his comfort zone. The gesture warmed Harry inside, proving that Louis trusted him enough to get closer, even though the uncertainty was still so present.  
  
"You can come closer ... Only if you want to. Or I can get closer, depending on what makes you feel comfortable. ''

Harry's words were cautious, and the "only if you want to" was quickly pasted after it to make Louis more at ease. It worked, Louis glanced at the space on the couch between the two of them. Out of expectation, Harry sat down, thinking Louis would get closer. Instead, Louis brought his hand to the clearing and gave two gentle taps, as Harry had done before. His head rose gently and the two looked at each other now.

Harry understood the gesture and thought it was very brave of Louis. His body then came cautiously, but with no doubt, to take up the clearing. Their arms were touching now. If you saw the two, it would look like an awkward movie scene where two guys were having sex for the first time.  
  
But for the two of them, it was as if a great wall had fallen, a wall that had been rebuilt after the hug from days ago. The moment was priceless. Louis and Harry sat stiffly next to each other for a while, both absorbing their arms together. Since communication today was in gestures, Harry leaned back against the backrest. Their arms were apart for a moment, but Harry gave the backrest two taps soon enough. Louis slid back against the seat back.

It's up to everyone to decide whether Louis did it on purpose, shove it a little closer to Harry, and slouch a little bit. Harry didn't seem to mind and made room on his shoulder to accommodate Louis's head there. It was terribly careful, but Louis carefully put his head on Harry's shoulder. Had you told him a week ago that he would be like that with Harry, he would have thought you were crazy. His heart was racing so fast it felt like he had run a marathon. It was tough and brave for him to take that step. It felt like a wave of bravery to him, and Louis took advantage of it.

He hoisted his legs carefully onto the couch and held them in a bent position beside him. He was practically against Harry now. Harry carefully put an arm around his shoulder and stroked the shoulder before resting his arm on it. For a moment, nineteen-year-old Louis wondered if he was not crossing any boundaries. The angel on his shoulder had already gotten the devil away before he got an answer. It felt good, so for now all boundaries were gone. Both boys were happy, knowing the moment wasn't going to last forever, they loved every second of it.

Unbeknownst to them, the wish of both boys was that this could become a habit. The house didn't feel like home to Louis. But the arms of Harry in which he was now...


	12. sacred rooms

Anne and Johannah had not returned until late in the evening. After lunch they had gone for a drink together, and before they knew it, it was already very late. Meanwhile, Louis had fallen asleep in Harry's arms. He didn't mean to, but his unconscious body was now as comfortable as it could be. Harry had grown a bit of a lame arm, but on second thought, that was the one thing that mattered the least to him. Harry enjoyed the boy in his arms, even though it was now completely platonic.  
  
The TV had turned itself off in the meantime because nothing had changed for too long. So sooner or later it was all too logical for Harry to fall asleep too. Harry's head rested on Louis's, while Louis's still rested on Harry's shoulder.

It was the last Johannah and Anne had expected to see when they entered. They had talked about it on their "mom date", both thinking Louis and Harry would be found in an uncomfortable position. One on one side of the sofa and the other on the other. So, when they found the two boys asleep, half on top of each other, they watched for a moment.

It even made Jay a little emotional, expecting Louis to allow touch again sooner or later, but she hadn't expected that soon. Of course, she knew Harry was the only exception, Louis didn't have to tell her that. It warmed her heart or her little boy so happy to see, even though he was completely unaware of it.  
  
It was therefore very difficult for both mothers to wake the two boys, knowing that they would break a sleeping fairy tale. Louis and Harry had quietly opened their eyes and from Harry's mouth came the biggest happy yawn ever. On the contrary, Louis immediately shot off Harry's body when he realized what kind of situation, he found himself in. His face turned red and eye contact was far from it.  
  
The curly headed boy easily accepted the other boy's fear. For Louis it took a moment, when he realized how Harry had put him at ease a few hours earlier, he relaxed gently. His eyes, which were burned on his hands at this point, moved gently up towards Harry. Harry already had his eyes on Louis and gave him a small smile. Both did not remember how many smiles they had already shared today.  
  
"Did you sleep well?" Harry asked Louis.  
Louis nodded nervously at him, making everyone giggle. Johannah's voice broke the silence soon enough.

"It is late, we are slowly going home. Johannah, thank you for inviting us''.  
  
"Could I have a word with Louis before we go?" Privately?'' Harry asked.

Louis stopped breathing for a moment when the words were spoken. His mother could not agree to the request more quickly. Harry gestured to the stairs and insinuated that they could go upstairs for a moment. With a nod in response, the two walked up the stairs. They were on the corridor now, it was small, Harry had never been to a "smaller" house in Holmes Chapel before Louis's and took in the surroundings for a moment.

"Which room is yours?" Asked Harry.

All Louis did was shake no. Sometimes he had thought about letting Harry in his room. But the intimacy and intimidation of a bedroom would freak Louis, and he was only too aware of that. Harry understood his shaking head and didn't go into further.

"Louis, what happened today ...", Harry sighed to find words. The moment of silence created some panic in Louis. Louis was convinced that now Harry was going to come up with the whole "I'm straight, it was wrong, it can't happen again" stuff. For a moment he closed his eyes and prepared himself for the painful words.

"I liked it, Louis. I don't know what you got into it, but I'm so glad we did this. I can't really put it into words, there has been so much doubt on my part during the time that we have known each other whether you wanted to have anything to do with me at all. I feel there is some form of trust between us and I would like to build that further with you if you want to too. Furthermore, I have never been really good with words and emotions, but I would like to say that I am proud of you. Of course, no one but you and your family know the whole story behind you, but the growth you've made since I've known you, in front of me, is extreme. ''  
  
The biggest sigh came from Louis's mouth. All panic came from his body through the sigh. The words that had just been spoken were more than he could ever imagine. Harry had opened up and that meant so much to Louis. Not that he showed it ...

Harry had admitted that he had trouble with words and emotions, that confession was actually a perfect description of Louis. Difficulty with words and emotions. Both in their own way, but they complemented each other in those ways. Waiting for an answer from Louis, the two stared at each other for a moment. Harry took his bottom lip between his teeth with nervousness and every so often his eyes dropped to the wooden floor.

Meanwhile, Louis thought about the best way to show appreciation. Hugs, meanwhile, had become relatively normal between the two. Somewhere Louis also felt an obligation to open up a little more, now that Harry had done the same.  
  
  
For a moment Louis looked around at the closed doors around them. He knew very well that the room on his left was his bedroom. The door was off-white, standard, and normal. Leaving Harry in his bedroom would be eye opening to Harry. When the Tomlinson family moved to Holmes Chapel, Louis had had absolutely no motivation to do anything with his room. Back in London, he had the most creative room ever, quite vintage, a little boho maybe. Old records hung on strings from the ceiling, a yellowish light echoed from the bulb that also hung from his ceiling. The walls were kind of beige and his bedroom had been full of plants, he could even keep them alive.

The plan was to make his room stark white with no contrasts when he arrived at Holmes Chapel. The idea was not to bring memories from London. Holmes Chapel would be a fresh start, that's what Johannah had said to him. Louis also decided that could be a way to get back into the closet. He'd wiped out every little thing that suggested he was gay.  
  
Johannah and Lottie had always liked his room so much and refused to put it in a white room. Without the son and brother knowing about it, they had bought new vintage records, wall paint, a yellow lamp, and lots of plants. They had also bought a bunch of actual records for him to play, along with a brand-new record player. It had taken an entire afternoon, they could have somehow kept Louis out of his room.

When Louis first walked into his room he could cry. It was everything he didn't want. He would never be able to bring someone into his room, is what he had thought. That would immediately indicate that he was not healthy, not by the rules, not straight.

Afterwards he could enjoy it, the majority of the time he spent in his room anyway. Often Louis would look around and admire the soft tones that the room had, the records that hung above him, but mainly the statement that everything was together.  
  
He couldn't show Harry much other 'evidence', many boxes he'd packed in London had disappeared, he'd pushed them into his mother's hands and let her make choices. Louis was not quite sure, he hesitated for a good few seconds, looking at the door and back at Harry.  
  
There was no confidence or certainty, but Louis knew he had nothing better than this. Today he had only left his comfort zone anyway, so this was also possible. Carefully he reached for Harry's hand, something he had never touched with Harry before. Harry's hands were soft to the touch and the hands touched him most gently too. With his other hand, Louis made the slightest pointing gesture at his bedroom door.

"Is that your room?" Asked Harry, to which Louis nodded.

With a little more force, he pulled Harry to the door. Together they now stood in front of the off-white door, hand in hand. Louis's other hand leaned on the door handle, the hand clinging tight, trying not to shake too hard. A little motivating squeeze from Harry's hand forced him to push the handle down a little. The click of the lock that fell open makes Louis even more nervous.  
  
With the slightest click, which also carried the slightest confidence, the door opened gently. For a moment Louis pulled him back to his own body, which gave him the opportunity to retreat, but he did not.

The door opened with a little squeak, but the yellow light immediately lit up part of the hallway. Louis closed his eyes and now opened the door completely, giving Harry a full view of the room.

Harry's reaction was at first a gasp, then complete silence. He took up all the hanging records; Elvis, Bob Dylan, Bowie, Aretha Franklin, Freddie Mercury, Elton John, and it went on and on. Louis's eyes were still not open. Harry looked at all the plants that Johannah kept alive today. He looked at the beige walls and how the yellow light gave a soothing flood across the room. He looked at the record player, which was placed on an old vintage cabinet, which was also filled with records.  
  


"This- this- Louis ... This is- This is fantastic!"  
  


With that statement, Louis opened his eyes and turned to Harry. This was the first time the younger boy paid no attention to him, all attention was focused on the room around him. Harry tucked the dangling plate over his head and examined it.

"Nirvana - Nevermind, that's one of my favourites." Good taste Louis, bravo ''. Louis watched Harry, who tried to grab some other records and watched the albums with admiration.

"I can't even put it into words, this is the most eccentric, vintage, fascinating room I've ever seen, your taste is so unique, I wish I could furnish it like that". Louis blushed with the compliment and ran a strip of his thumb across the back of Harry's hand as a thank you.

"Thank you, Louis, thank you for being special enough for you to see this." I will never forget this moment ''.  
  
Before they left the room, Louis looked around for a moment, trying to see the beauty in the interior that Harry saw. He looked specifically at the plants that he once loved to keep alive. Metaphorically, Louis considered himself similar to a plant. When things were going well, he could keep himself going and alive. Compare this to Louis in London for all the misery. Compare this also with a plant in the garden, a plant that gets enough sunlight and water from nature, just as it should.

Louis now, incapable of taking care of himself, his mother forces him to eat and drink because otherwise he wouldn't even think about it. His mother who makes sure he has some happiness one day, some sunlight. Johannah kept Louis alive, just as she kept the plants in his room alive. Harry may also keep it a little more alive.  
  
Harry and Louis separated their hands and walked down the stairs step by step, Jay and Anne meanwhile were talking again, but when Anne saw Harry, she got up to go.

"Again Jay, thank you for today. Thank you for allowing Harry to stay here too. ''

No problem Anne, come by whenever you want. Harry, you know ... ''  
  
In response, she received a small nod. For a moment Louis wondered what it was about, but soon realized he might not want to know. Harry knew very well it was about Johannah expecting him to treat Louis well. There was no doubt that he would treat Louis right, so there was no reason to be nervous.  
  
Anne and her son left the house and Louis and Johannah stood together in the doorway. They watched the mother and son approaching the car. Suddenly Harry stopped and turned, looked Louis in the eye and spoke.

''Thank you''.


End file.
